There Goes Another Year

It's December 31st and it's less than an hour away from the start of a new year, according to Pacific Standard Time.  I felt that this year was decent for me.  I got accepted into an accounting masters program and surprisingly I also got accepted into a computer science masters program despite not having any programming experience.  It shows that it can be done.  I'll be reapplying to the computer science program again next year.

Aside from accomplishing academic and professional goals, I progressed a small bit on the social side.  I'm more talkative with my coworkers in my part time job and I'm not afraid of assisting people who need help.  Though I'm afraid it's because it is in a professional setting rather than a social setting that's making me more outgoing.  Nonetheless, it's some progress.  Still have to be more outgoing though.  Hopefully, I'll accomplish more next year professionally and socially.  

On another note, some company called GFK retail and technology keeps bugging through my Bloomberg account about a job as a research analyst.  Don't know if I should bother responding.  The last time some company bugged me was AIG and they immediately broke contact once they saw my resume.  Heh.

To anyone reading this, happy new year.

Professionally Detached, Largo

All finals are done and today is the last day of my "job" before the Christmas break.  Over the last couple of weeks, I was "volunteered" by the IT staff to help install new wireless routers throughout campus.  It's an absolutely tiring task due to the amount of old routers located in bizarre locations.  Though tiresome, I was able to access parts of the campus that were off limits to most people and met other staff at other parts of the campus.  Most of the staff were decent people, but some were just annoying.  One secretary complained that she had to go open a locked door for me while another was angry that the routers were being replaced and had me reinstall the old one after I spent 20 minutes installing a new one.   Normally, I would be annoyed or even angry, but I simply felt nothing.  It's really odd.  It's like I'm absolutely emotionally detached when I'm working.  I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  I remember reading that INTJ's care more about work than friends.  Perhaps being emotionally detached on the job is part of what I am.

On another note, I bumped into Largo again during one of my final exams.  Several dozen posts ago, I talked about how he and I met a long time ago in summer school during high school.  Before the final, he sat down next to me and we started talking a bit.  He then asked me if he had seen me from somewhere before.  I told him I seen him in other classes before and he accepted my answer.  Though I wonder if he actually remembers me from a long time ago.

It's Over, Oh Okay

I finished my final for my graduate accounting class today so my first semester there is over.  I hope I did well.  Relations with my accounting professor ended well, at least I hope it did.  There were awkward moments when my "INTJ vibe" leaked through and he was unnerved by it.  Though I had to fake some of it, forcing myself to be more happy and smiling around him managed to fix it.  He even requested that I do a presentation and I wasn't nervous about doing that either.  Hopefully I left a good impression.

Though it was a boring semester and I dreaded being forced to interact with my professor more than I wanted to, I did learn one thing though.  Apparently people don't like it when I say "oh okay".  Apparently, they think I'm interrupting them and trying to end the conversation or something.  I realized this a while back, but I thought it was a few people who misinterpret it, but I guess a large amount people do.  I guess I should change it.

CPA exam

I recently signed up for the CPA exam.  I'll be taking the business environment section in January or February, depending on what time slot I get.  Hopefully I'll pass on the first try.

On another note, my professor in my graduate accounting class is trying to get to know me better.  Great.  I really don't need this.  Just three weeks left and my graduate class will be over.  Hopefully there's no incidents between now and then.

Also, within the last week or so, I noticed that Julia read some of posts again.  Weird.

Robots, Economy, Connecting With Others

Economic news came out a few weeks ago with a drop in the unemployment rate by .1%.  It is now 7.2% unemployment for the entire U.S. while California is still 8.9%-9% and holding.  One of the issues that have been popping up more and more lately is the use of robots, software and automation to replace workers.  As software and robots get better and cheaper, many jobs will simply get replaced.  So much so that a recent report stated that half the jobs in the U.S. would get replaced by software eventually.  Many people on various forums stated that people will adapt and have compared the current automation we face now with the mechanization of farming a century ago.  But I have to disagree, people back then had the choice of jumping from one manual labor job to another, from working on a farm to working in a factory.  Now we are switching to an intellect and service based economy, and not everyone can adapt as fast.  Many people will be left behind.  Even worst off are the third world countries that have yet to industrialize.  As robotics get cheaper, there is simply no reason for developed countries to outsource their work to poorer, cheaper countries.  The days of paying some guy in the third world $5 a day working 16 hours a day seven days a week will be over in the coming years.

I already saw this coming a while ago, which is why I'm so hell bent on applying for a computer science masters program.  Whether I can actually finish it is another matter, and even if I do, the software development/IT field will be flooded 4-5 years from now.  Would I be able to find a job if I do finish it?  The future is so unclear.

Meanwhile, back in the present, I finished up the last required workshop for my accounting program.  This time, it was about interviews and relating to people.  Apparently the presenter was doing a telephone interview earlier with a potential hire and once they didn't have a connection, she simply lost interest about hiring the person.  Dear God, I hope not all interviewers are like this.  Hiring a person simply based on their ability to connect with you is such bullshit.  I hope I will be social enough to connect with others by the time I graduate with my masters otherwise I'm screwed.  I have to get rid of my INTJ vibe/bitchy resting face because I sense some of the folks in my class are spooked by me.

On another economic note, apparently there's too many pharmacy school graduates:

http://www.post-gazette.com/local/region/2013/10/27/Pharmacy-schools-turning-out-too-many-grads/stories/201310270094

Not sure if I should be happy that I didn't continue my pre-pharm route from UCSD or kick myself for wasting all that time going insane completing the organic chemistry classes.

Note to self:  Soften up body language, connect with others.

Dude We're Classmates

There hasn't been much to write about recently since everyday is pretty much the same old, same old.  My job is going well and my supervisor went on vacation for a month so it's kind of a relief to not have someone breathing down my neck.  One of my student coworkers apparently signed up for the same class I did and told me we're classmates.  He's a nice guy and all, but did he really have to do that?  Even though it's kind of annoying, I wasn't anxious when he told me.  If this happened several years ago, I would have been dreading it till the day class began.  Guess my psychological programming is holding out well.  I've been getting along decently with the faculty who work there though there is one woman who acts kind of weird around me.  Her name is Bernice, a Japanese woman in her late 40s to mid 50s, and I swear she keeps trying to get my attention or something.  Her body language around me is simply weird and I don't know how to describe it.  Really odd.

On another note, this whole government shutdown thing has me worried.  Though a budget will most likely be passed at the last minute, I have to wonder what would happen if it doesn't.  If it doesn't pass, the economic implications would be so enormous and devastating, I wouldn't be even able to comprehend it.  Everything that I and everyone else have worked for would be meaningless if it doesn't pass.  I hope we don't get screwed.

Communications Workshop, Overstaying My Welcome

My accounting graduate program is going okay for the most part, but one of the requirements is becoming more and more annoying.  A part of the requirements for my graduate program at SFSU are four workshops that all new students have to take.  Personally, I found them to be a waste of time.  One to two hours on a Saturday with a speaker going on and on about your career etc.  The latest one was this Saturday about communications. The guy spoke about body language, behavior, facial expressions and how they affect your relationships with others.  Kind of amusing that the school had to hire some consultant with a masters degree to teach me things I have been learning for the last three years.  The guy didn't go in depth on any particular thing and we actually had to get into groups to plan a presentation for the next workshop.  Should have snucked out like what a few others did.

On another note, I'm not sure what is going at my "job" at CCSF.  While it is pretty boring, I keep getting strange vibes from the staff there.  Something about their body language or the way they react around me keeps telling me that they don't want me there. It's most likely my paranoia, but many times my paranoia have proven to be correct.  There were several times where my social etiquette was not up to par when interacting with some of them.  Could that be it?  Maybe I shouldn't be so dismissive of the communications workshop.  Whatever it is, I'll try to limit contact with the staff.

Trust

Things are going smoothly, well as smoothly as things could be for me.  It's been three weeks since I started at my accounting masters program and we already did one quiz.  I'm starting to prepare my resume and cover letters to apply for internships in the spring and summer, and I hope I'll get one.  Though my professional life is going along well, my social/personal life is at absolute stand still.  I didn't mention it before, but I fucked things up Wendy.  She thought I ignored her call on Skype and now she seldom contacts me.  I have pretty much pushed everyone I ever cared about or cared about me away.  I really should have never contacted her back when I was at UCSD.  I'm sorry Wendy.

Having had some time to look back on my life, I realized that I have never really trusted anyone.  My relationships with others have always been lacking not just because I don't keep up in contact with them, but also because I don't really trust anyone.  I never give out more information than needed and I'm constantly on edge around everyone.  Even among close acquaintances, I'm always monitoring, analyzing and planning on what I should do if they screw me over.  Can I ever really trust anyone?  Every time I try, I would get screwed over and I would end up at step one again.  I guess this is something I should work on.

Note to self:  Trust others more.

Stonewalled, Socializing More

It's been two weeks since grad school started and I'm pretty much stuck in limbo.  I kept trying to add courses at SJSU, but one after another, the professors say the class is full and there's people on the waitlist.  Right now, I contacted the dean of the graduate studies asking what to do since no one else does, not even my graduate advisor or the CS coordinator.  I swear SJSU is a god damn mess.  Thankfully, I wasn't in a rush to drop the M.S in accounting program and I already went there for two classes so it looks like I'll be doing accounting from here on out.   Hopefully I'll get an accounting internship for the summer.  Maybe I'll reapply for computer science grad school again someday.

On another note, I've been getting along well with my student co-workers at my job.  I have been socializing more and aren't hesitant about helping and conversing with others.  Good I guess.  Also, I saw another two people who I met when I was in high school.  I'm not sure whether seeing so many old faces is a sign of relief or a sign of worry.  Relief being that I'm not the only one in the position I'm in, and worry being that the economy is far worse than I feared and is forcing people to go back to school.

Rushing, Single-Mindedness

Even though I have for the most part explored and tried to correct my personality flaws over the last four years, I have still not addressed one that has plagued me throughout my life.  For some reason, I tend rush through things, even when people are speaking.  For example, they may be talking and my mind immediately fills in the blanks about what they are saying and I say okay.  There were several times that the person I'm talking to stops and stares at me.  I never realized how rude it was before until I thought about it.  I guess I need to address that.

On another note, I went to the accounting orientation today and it was pure nightmare fuel.  There were constant "networking" events throughout the whole 8 hours.  Absolutely tiring and demoralizing.  Being there reminds me of how much of an outsider I still am and most likely will be forever.  Still, it's not much of a bother to me.  I have to push forward.

Note to self:  Wait until someone finishes before doing something else.  Don't interrupt them.

Fear

School is starting up again and I'm absolutely frightened.  Whether I succeed or not in graduate school will determine how my life will be. I still can't decide whether to go into computer science or accounting.  Both of them are good but I don't know what the future is going to be like.  It is said that INTJs are supposed to be decisive and stick to their decision once they make one, and yet I can't.  Sigh, I hope I make the right choice.

On another note, my "job" at CCSF is going well.  Being forced to interact with others either in person or through the telephone has helped me improve my sociability a lot.  Though it is on a professional level, I hope I can transfer it to a more intimate, interpersonal level with others.

Body Language, Business Deal

Summer classes ended last Friday and I have this week and the next off.  Nothing much to do except prepare for the fall.  Aside from doing nothing I've been helping my dad with his business.  I sometimes go with him to meet with clients and help him out.  Due to my ability to "read" people's body language, I can tell when something is going well or bad with the client.  For this client, it didn't went so well.  Even though we got the contract, it will most likely be a one time thing.  It really doesn't matter to me or my dad since the client is one of those snooty rich people and we prefer to have little to do with them.

My ability to read others is both a blessing and a curse.  To know what another person is thinking about you can be both confidence boosting or devastating.  I wish I could use this ability to make money somehow rather than have it constantly torture me.

Devourer

Several years ago I started watching the show Dexter and found myself relating more and more to him.  Aside from his whole murdering people left and right thing, I found myself to be very similar to him.  Like him, I can't relate to others easily and I can't understand how others feel.  I try time and time again to create this mask that I can hide behind so that I can blend in with others around me.  At one point I even thought I was an undiagnosed sociopath or psychopath, but after a series of questions with my UCSD psychologist, it pretty much shot that idea down.

I recently caught up to last week's episode and I once again found myself relating to him.  He realized that he is a consumer, he consumes and destroys everyone and every relationship around him.  I am the same.  I'm a devourer and I end up destroying every relationship and every person around me.  In the past three to four years, I can count on one hand the amount of close relations I had that didn't crash and burn.  I hope I can stop this.  I hope I can maintain decent relationships in the future.

Note to self:  Maintain good relations with everyone.

The Economy

Nothing happening much lately.  It's my last week of summer work and my ability to talk to others is increasing slightly.  What troubles me now is how the economy is going.

More and more economic news are coming out and things are not good.  Four years ago, before I went to UCSD, I hoped that by the time I graduated the economy would be a lot better.  Even though the country as a whole has improved slightly with unemployment rate going down from the mid-nine percent to 7.6%, things are not improving.  They are either holding steady or getting worst.  Countries throughout Europe such as Spain and Greece are experiencing unemployment levels equal to that of the Great Depression and is projected to go up even further.  It's safe to say that a large portion of Europe is pretty much screwed.

Here in the U.S. things are getting slightly better, but not fast enough.  Unemployment actually went back up to 7.6% from 7.4% two months ago.  The amount of full time jobs actually decreased while the amount of part time jobs increased.  Even then people can't be sure if those part time jobs are going to different individuals rather than someone who is picking up another part time job.  Things are getting bad.  My gut intuition regarding the economy have been proven right before and if I'm right again, then people are very, very screwed.  I hope my decision to go to graduate school isn't going to be a fruitless endeavor.

Susan

Seven years ago, during the day of my high school graduation, I accidentally hurt a friend.  Her name is Susan.  During the day of our graduation, I was talking to some one and when I turned, she popped out of nowhere and smiled and waved at me.  Of course, being the socially awkward dumbass that I am, I freaked out and immediately dipped my head down.  It hurt her, she was upset.  I wanted to apologize that day, but I couldn't find her.  About a year later, I saw her at a bus stop outside of CCSF.  She looked at me and I looked at her, and she got on the bus.  I so wanted to apologize to her back then, but never did.  It's been years since then, but I haven't stopped thinking about her and what I did.  It's been eating me from the inside out for the last couple of months.  I found her facebook page about a year ago and I thought about messaging her to explain and apologize for what I did.  Should I though?  It's been seven years, should I inject myself back into someone's life even though they don't want to see me?

I'm sorry Susan, I wish you would know.

Telephone Etiquette, Person To Person Etiquette

I've been on the job for three weeks already for my community college.  It's not much, it's just me sitting there surfing the net and answering the telephone from time to time.  Though I was initially hesitant to take this job because I have to deal with people over the phone, I've gotten quite good at it.  My ability to converse with others over the phone is getting better and better.  Maybe a bit longer at this job will help me sound normal to others over the phone.

Interacting with people on a face to face basis on the other hand is still stalled.  Just today, one of the cashiers at a small snack shop asked how I'm doing in a different way than usual and I simply froze up.  I glitched up again.  I still need more practice talking to people face to face on a more casual, non-business, non-professional manner.  I wish I didn't screwed up so bad.

A Glimpse Into The Future

It's been a couple of days into my work at CCSF.  Not much to do except sit around and surf the internet.  I did screw up some times though when answering the telephone but I'm getting better at it and I'm becoming more outgoing.  Good I guess.

I've been surfing the internet and visiting reddit more and more, specifically on the morbidreality subreddit.  Not exactly the healthiest of habits.  One of the things I found was this:

http://www.reddit.com/r/MorbidReality/comments/1hbcyr/been_living_as_a_shut_in_since_1999_forum_post/

It was a post about people with such a high level of social anxiety that they cannot leave their house and barely have a functional life. They're already in their 30s and they are still living with their parents and cannot move beyond what they know.  Absolutely frightening, it is the future I envisioned myself in when I was at UCSD.  It is the reason why I started my program and my previous blog three years ago.  Though my condition is not as bad as theirs, my future still might converge with theirs'.  I need to keep pushing forward and not end up like that.  I hope I can succeed, and I hope they get the help they need.

A Lost Message

Two months ago, I wrote about how I caught a girl named Julie, who I met at UCSD, was looking through my blog.  I first noticed that she was reading my blog around the beginning of April when she accessed my old blog and through it to this one.  I knew that she wouldn't be able to keep away when I mentioned her so I decided to write the "Julie Tu, I Left My Heart In San Diego" post.  I was right.  For the next few weeks, I noticed that she would check this blog again and again on that post to see if I would mention her. On May 7th, I received an email notification that I received a message from someone on Facebook.   Believing it to be her, I decided to ignore it but checked it three days later anyway.  When I checked it, there was nothing.  There wasn't any message.  Was it from her or from someone else?  Am I hoping it was from her leading me to believe it was her?  Or maybe I finally lost my mind and is imagining things.  Several weeks ago, she checked my blog one last time and was gone.  Maybe I should have responded...

There's No I In Team

I immediately got hired for one of the student jobs at my community college, but I lacked the documentation needed to immediately start working.  Aside from that, I realized that I lacked the necessary units to work during the summer.  Great.  I immediately signed up for two eight long classes that will help fill the lack of units and I just finished one of them today.

The class was eight hours long, a complete bore, filled with group activities and a movie.  The movie was nothing special, it was two hours long which helped pass the time quickly.  The group activities consisted of 3 to 4 people getting together and discussing the problems assigned to us.  I didn't have any trouble talking, contributing or introducing myself to others nor did I have any trouble talking about myself.  Good I guess, I used to be a nervous wreck when doing group activities.  As usual, the super talkative types did most of the talking while I sank into the background.  Even though it was a purely a keep-it-professional kind of thing, I was amazed at how quickly people became close with one another.  When noon came, the groups that worked together went out and ate lunch together. Seeing people bond so quickly is almost like magic to me. I don't understand how people can get so close so fast.  Even though I hoped to "decode" the pattern of how they do that, any opportunities are few and far between.

Note to self:  Be more outgoing and talkative.

One Year, Alone

It's officially been one year since I graduated from UCSD.  I still remember that day crystal clear.  I remember how I played pool the entire morning while people roamed the campus looking for their kids at graduation.  I still remember bumping into Jocelyn and talking to her, and I still remember how my roommates disappeared one by one.  One year has passed by so fast.  One blink and another year will have gone by.

Even though it's been a year, I have not been sitting still and doing nothing.  The objectives I set out a little bit more than a year ago in my previous blog is being accomplished.  I made the decision to go to San Jose State for computer science in the fall.  Right now I'm applying for jobs at my local community college.  I guess I would consider my path okay in regards to fulfilling professional goals. 

Accomplishing my personal goals, on the other hand, has been the complete opposite.  Over the last year, my drive to become a more social and outgoing person has completely stalled.  As noted in so many posts before, every now and then I would glitch up, making me unable to be socially "normal".  Initially I thought that by going to SJSU, I would be living on campus so that I'll have more chances of interacting with people.  My parents wanted to drive to school instead.  While it makes sense financially, it won't be socially beneficial.  Honestly, it doesn't matter, I have psychologically accepted that I might be alone for the rest of my life.  A part of me wants to be with someone, but every time a woman and I get close, I eventually end up pushing them away.  I still need to deal with that eventually, but I pretty much put that aside as a secondary objective.  I used to wish for a better next year, but what's the point really.

Note to self:  Push forward, get a great job.

Fear

Summer is here and I'm thinking about applying for a job at my local community college.  I don't know why, but a constant sense of dread keeps overcoming me when I think about applying.  I'm afraid and I don't know why.  In my last post, I wrote that my mind is constantly thinking about what can happen.  What if that is the source of my anxiety?  The constant fear of what might go wrong.  I realized I was paralyzed by analysis when I was at UCSD and I tried to change it with moderate success.  Perhaps my constant analysis is not what bogging me down, but rather the fear of what could go wrong.  If it is, I need to block it out and fix it.

On another note, the job market is still crappy.  A thread on reddit popped up regarding why some people couldn't jobs and what their majors was.  Though few, there were some computer science, finance and accounting people who couldn't find jobs. There were a few folks who earned a masters degree but have become too overqualified to get an entry level job.  I really hope that won't be me.

Note to self:  Don't think about the worst that could happen.

A Third Option

Last night, my parents suggested a third option for me.  Rather than live at a dorm at SJSU or going to SFSU, they suggested that I drive to SJSU on a daily basis.  I calculated that it'll take about an hour under optimal conditions.  It's doable, but the thought of me behind a hunk of 2000 pound metal going 60 miles a hour scares the hell out of me.  Being at UCSD for three years and not having a car, made me rusty behind the wheel.  I've lost count of how many times I nearly got into an accident because of my stupidity.  Still, it is a viable option and the most likely one I'll take.

One odd thing I noticed is that when my parents gave me the third option, my mind started racing and started running various scenarios.  Really odd, it's like my mind is on autopilot.  I'm starting to wonder if my constant thinking about what could happen is the source of my anxiety.

Indecisiveness, Foregone Opportunities

About a year and a half ago, after a bit of self analysis, I realized that I am extremely indecisive when it comes to major decisions.  I kept trying to change myself and yet here I am again, indecisive about whether to choose accounting or computer science.  I keep going over variable after variable, running scenario after scenario throughout my head, but never coming to a conclusion.  I decided to accept the offer of admission for the M.S. accounting program only after flipping a coin.  Absolutely ridiculous.  I'm not even sure if it's the right choice.  I keep checking Linkedin, internships online, and school career websites and found very few accounting, finance, economics internships.  Computer science, on the other hand, have many internships.  Am I making the right choice?

My indecisiveness has also cost me financially.  Throughout the years, I found myself to be pretty decent at predicting stocks.  Several years ago, when everyone freaked out about the rare earth metals, I predicted that some mining companies' stocks will increase.  I was right.  Molycorp's stock bubbled up like crazy and went $10 to $77 per share.  Sadly, I only made several hundred bucks from it.  Last year, I predicted that Tesla will increase and I was right.  Last year Tesla was only $25 per share and now it's $110 and climbing. Sigh.  So much I could have done, but I am still paralyzed by analysis.  Need to break this.

Note to self:  Don't be indecisive.  Don't be afraid.

More Old Faces, Approval, Decision

I went on linkedin again and accidentally bumped into others who I knew in the past.  Many of them are still in school at SFSU and have not yet graduated.  Both surprising and not surprising at the same time.  Surprising because I didn't know they can stay in SFSU that long, and not surprising due to the bad economy.  Even though the unemployment rate here in San Francisco is 6.9%, it is still bad for new graduates.

Several weeks ago, I petitioned SFSU to have my graduate program changed to the accountancy program.  Two days ago, they finally approved my decision and has allowed me to join their accountancy program.  Even though I was accepted, I am still unsure whether to choose to accept or not.  Even though the accounting program will take two years, it was projected that San Francisco will experience more growth in the software development sector.  However, going to SJSU will take about 4 to 5 years to complete, if I can complete it.  I also asked my brother to log in SFSU's career network and the amount of accounting/financial  internships is absolutely dismal.  Jesus Christ, I'm screwed.  Still don't know what to choose.

Note to self:  When answering people's questions, make sure they hear it.

Humor Me

Over the years, I spent so much time alone, I don't even know how to respond to someone who's being playful.  After two years at UCSD, I finally relearned how and when to laugh or smile when someone makes a joke.  However, ever since graduating, like so many other things I've programmed into myself, I've been slowly losing what I learned about laughter and smiling.  I'm basically having to relearn it again.

As I stated in a previous post a while back, I blankly stared at my dad when he was laughing.  Just yesterday, my dad was laughing at something, I looked up and laughed a bit too.  But for the split second I looked up, he immediately stopped laughing.  Sigh, I really hate myself.  I need to make things right.

Note to self:  Improve relations with dad.  Make things right.  When laughing, make louder laughter

Welcome To San Diego State University

I found out last night that I got accepted into San Diego State University's M.S. in accounting program.  Jesus Christ, I never thought it was going to be this easy for me to be accepted into so many graduate programs.  I thought I was a screw up the entire time.  Places such as SFSU, SJSU and SDSU all have admissions rate in the 20 to 30% for their computer science and accounting graduate programs, and yet I got in.  Interesting.

It's good that I got into those various programs because the economy right now is getting worse.  Here in the U.S., the New York Times reported an unemployment rate of 26% for people between 25-34, same as those in Greece and Spain.  Various investment firms and hedge funds are writing papers to clients, telling them of a zero growth future.  Even jobs requiring high levels of education are hard to find.  Before going to UCSD, I wanted to major in civil engineering, but I found that they have an unemployment rate of 12%.  When I was at UCSD, I was doing prepharm, but more and more pharmacy graduates are having a hard time finding work.  Even among doctors, only 73%  can get residencies, resulting in unemployed graduates.  Absolutely frightening.  I'm still undecided what to do because of these news.

Katherine

Five years ago, I met an absolutely amazing girl named Katherine Leung while volunteering at the California Pacific Medical Center during the summer.  Over the span of three months, she and I got close, really close.  On my last day volunteering there, as my shift ended, when I was walking away, she yelled, "I love you!".  I smiled and waved back, she looked upset.  What she didn't know was that I felt the same way too, but I was too much of a coward to express it.  Over the course of several months, she and I bumped into each other again and again on campus at CCSF.  Every time we did, my mind was screaming out for me to tell her that I love her, that I wanted to be with her.  I never did.  The last time we ever saw each other, we walked to class together.  Again, a part of me was telling me to tell her how I felt, but I couldn't.  My mind was so clouded with thoughts and variables and probabilities, and knowing that I'll be moving away to college, I didn't know what to do.  So I did nothing.  As I stood at the doorway of my classroom, I looked on in despair as both us waved and said goodbye.  I fucked up, I knew I did.  I kept hoping to see her again, to tell her I'll go to San Francisco State to be with her.  I skipped class to wait at the bus stop where we both got off.  There was nothing.  I tried email again and again.  There was nothing.  I remembered that she said she would volunteer again so I went back.  I waited and waited for six months.  There was nothing.  Then I finally moved to UCSD.  I broke down.

Throughout my previous blog, INTJ@UCSD, I constantly mentioned her, wondering how she and I got so close despite my social anxiety.  Year after year, I thought about her and eventually got over her during my final year at UCSD.  Even though I gotten over her, all those memories of the time I spent with her, all the things she told me about herself remained.

I don't know why, but several hours ago, I searched her name on Linkedin.  I searched her name before but there was nothing in the past.  It was different this time.  The 4th result that popped up was her.  I clicked on her profile and felt as the blood drained from my face.  She never went to University of San Francisco like she said, she went to SFSU and is still going there.  I could have been with her had I made a choice back then.  I always felt like my time at UCSD was a mistake, and now I know it was.  Even though I'm a stoic and robotic INTJ, an analytical Type 5, and absolutely emotionally retarded, I started tearing up.  Seeing her profile pic, of her smiling, brought back so many memories, both good and painful.  I won't be contacting her, it's been five years, I doubt she even remembers me.  Me, on the other hand, due to my freakishly good memory, will always remember her, whether I want to or not.

Good bye Katherine. 

Detrimental To Others

Since graduating, I have become more and more introspective and self reflective about my life and how it affect others.  Even though I've been desperately trying to alter my personality to become more sociable and outgoing, I still feel like an outsider, like an alien who crash landed on Earth.  Even worst is that I'm slowly regressing back to what I was when I first entered UCSD.  One glitch here, one glitch there, my psychological reprogramming is slowly falling apart. It feels hopeless.

Due to my inability to be "normal", I have inadvertently ended up hurting up many people over the years.  People like Raquel, people who I could have been friends with when I was at UCSD, so many others who I inadvertently hurt keeps coming back into my mind.  How I ended up hurting them keeps replaying over and over again, never allowing me to forget.  It's gotten so bad, I've begun to glitch up around my family.  There have been two times were my dad either made a joke or was laughing at something and I simply blankly stared at him.  It wasn't only until several seconds later that I remembered to smile.  My dad probably thinks I'm annoyed by him.  I hate myself, I really do.

When I was growing up, I used to imagine what I would do in different scenarios.  In one scenario, I imagined I was infected with a very contagious disease and that I would isolate myself from others to prevent myself from harming them.  I realize now that I am the disease, I am the harm to others.  I always drag others down with me, always a detriment to others.  Perhaps it's best to isolate myself.

I wish I was a normal person.

Note to self:  Improve relations with family, especially with dad.  Don't blank out around dad.  Don't look at people out of the corner of your eye.

Accounting vs. Computer Science

I still don't know what to do with my life.  Currently I'm deciding whether to go to computer science graduate school or accounting graduate school.  If I go into accounting, I can finish within a year and immediately look for work.  If I go into computer science, I will have to attend school, again, for the next 3 to 4 years.

I managed to find a career survey of San Jose graduates for the 2010/2011 year and it indicates that recent accounting graduates with a bachelor's has an average salary of $52,000 while ones with a masters have $58,000 per year.  Computer science, on the other hand, those who had a masters degree earned more than $87,000 per year.  nearly thirty grand more than accounting graduates.  Though it sounds nice, I still have my reservations.  I'm not sure if I can do a masters in computer science, and even if I do, I'm giving up three years of income to do it.  Not only that, the amount of computer science graduates is sure to increase in the coming years, possibly making me worthless when I graduate.  If I do accounting, I will graduate in one year, but if I can't get an internship then I'll be dead in the water.  I don't know what path to take.

Poisonous

One of my friends who I met when I was in UCSD contacted me several days ago.  He emailed me to chat and catch up.  It was good to hear from him again.

He is the only long lasting friend I made during my time at UCSD.  Even though I had other friends and could have had other friends when I was at UCSD, I watched as relation after relation crash and burn.  At the time I blamed it on crappy people who tried to use me or on my social awkwardness that created misunderstandings, resulting in deteriorating relations.  But is it really?  Are these the real reasons or are they merely excuses?  What if I am poisonous to the people around me?  I always manage to screw it up resulting in me inadvertently hurting the people around me.  Every time someone gets close to me, I always end up pushing them away.  If I am poisonous, should I even try to get close to others or should I just isolate myself?  I don't know what to do.

Julie Tu, I Left My Heart In San Diego

The weather here in San Francisco has been surprisingly warm lately.  It's been sunshine and blue skies for the last two weeks.  It's a nice change of pace from the gloomy and dreary overcast that pretty much dominates the rest of the year.  Living by the ocean, I can often hear the sound of the waves if I stick my head out the window.  Looking out my window and feeling the warm ocean breeze while listening to the rumble of the ocean waves in the distance reminds me of my time at UCSD.  Ever since graduating, I keep on feeling like I lost a part of myself at UCSD.  It's like I belong in San Diego, not San Francisco.  I want to go back.  Great, now I feel like a character on LOST.

On another note, as I stated in a previous post, for some reason Julie Tu was reading through my blog for the last two weeks. Julie was a girl who I met during my first year, first quarter at UCSD.  She and I were attracted to each other and I fucked it up in the end.  It's a long retarded story.  In the end, both of us bumped into each other again on campus just a month away from graduation and after realizing she still had feelings for me, I showed her my blog to show her that I was trying to change myself into an outgoing person and that I didn't walk away from her a long time ago.  It had the exact opposite effect.  She ended up choosing some retard with a communications degree over me.  I was pretty broken up about it.

Two weeks ago, she looks a bit through my old blog then waits a week and access this blog.  After realizing that I knew she was looking, she proceeds to spam my old blog with internet explorer and iphone views, most likely to cover up her tracks, and then reads this blog.  Now, why would she do this?  Curiosity?  Nostalgia?  Or maybe she finally realized her boyfriend is nothing more than a fucking moron and that she made the wrong choice?  Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.

Accepted, Emotionally Shallow

I found out I got accepted into San Jose State University's masters of computer science program.  I didn't realize I would be accepted so easily into both SF and SJ State's CS program.  Still, I'm going to apply to various accounting masters program just in case.

I've been thinking back about the time I spent at UCSD, and how I tried to become more "normal", more "human".  Even though I was successful in becoming more outgoing and being able to abide by acceptable social etiquette, I still lack the emotional component.  When I was younger, I taught myself how to suppress my own emotions because of the constant sadness and pain I felt.  Over time, my emotions became so suppressed, I lost touch with it.  Sympathy, empathy, compassion, all became foreign to me.  I tried so hard to "reactivate" my emotions, but I just couldn't do it.  Even now, I'm still at a lost at what to feel sometimes.  I can emulate emotions for most situations, but sometimes people can sense that it's fake.  I can fool others, but I can't fool myself.  It's that emotional component that I'm striving for because without that emotional connection, there can't be any relationship.

Decisions, Old Face, Eye Contact

I saw another person who I knew in the past again.  His name is Lester, a Hispanic guy who was with me in high school.  He was a class clown and absolutely hilarious, but was a major trouble maker.  I bumped into him when I was walking down a stairway and said nothing.  Seeing all these people again is simply depressing.  It's like the last three years I spent at UCSD simply folded in on itself and disappeared from history, it's like I'm reliving my past.

I'm still deciding whether to go to SF state or not.  Since I'm a conditional applicant, they expect me to take all the prerequisite classes and pass all of them with at least a B.  Seriously now, that's just insane.  I'm having second thoughts, and I'm starting to think accounting may be better.  Fuck my life.

On another note, I've been reading the intjforum.com and came across a thread about eye contact.  It seems like it's split even between maintaining eye contact and avoiding it.  Some said it was too intense, some said it was too intimate.  After what I've gone through at UCSD, I agree that it is sometimes too intense.  However, some of them said they only make eye contact with people they respect.  Seriously?  That's a douchey thing to do.  I shouldn't be like them, I don't want to be like them.

Note to self:  Make eye contact with everyone.

Congratulations, You Have Been Admitted...

I found out last night that I got accepted into SFSU's masters of computer science program.  Awesome, I guess.  However, I'm not sure if I want to go there.  Yes, it's great that I got accepted, but I feel that if I go to SF state and spend the next 2 to 3 years living at home, my social skills will deteriorate.  At the same time,  I could save a lot of money by living at home and be able to do internships within San Francisco.  They gave me a month to decide whether to accept admission or not so I'll still have time to decide.  I hope to hear from San Jose State soon.

Aside from this bright spot in my life, I've been losing more and more interest in doing things.  I used to keep playing Civilization V a lot, hell I got 1600 hours logged in, but I've been losing more and more interest.  I build a couple of cities then just quit from the game.  I've been losing interest in absolutely everything.  I think it's one of the first symptoms of depression, but I don't know how to stop it.

Echoes From The Past, Mentally Overwhelmed

I've been checking who's been reading my blogs lately and it seems like several people from the past popped up.  One is Julia Popova, the blonde who she and I shared a mutual attraction.  Another is Julie Tu, another girl who I could have been with but I fucked it up in the end, as usual.  Nothing more than distant memories from a bygone time of my life.

On another note, I think I'm slowly losing my mind. When I was at UCSD, I was seeing a psychologist to deal with my social anxiety and I asked him to test me for any signs of mental illness.  My mind was so overwhelmed with thoughts, variables, probabilities and scenarios, that it became extremely difficult to think. I thought I was suffering from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or some sort of mental illness.  After a long questionnaire and an interpretation, my psychologist said I didn't have any mental disorders.  I even became a research subject at the UCSD hospital to see if there's a physiological explanation.  I subjected myself to EEGs and MRIs, but they also found nothing.  I was normal.  But still, even now, my mind is slowly being overwhelmed.  It's like I can see every variation of an event at once.  It's like a million thoughts trying to come out simultaneously.  It's tiresome, I can't deal with this anymore.

Life and The Economy

More economic news have been popping up in the last few weeks.  Crappy as usual.  From what I gathered, it seems like more and more news of how people my age are getting screwed over.  There is no good news in sight.  People my age will the first to be less wealthy than the previous generation.  People my age will be fighting for scraps as full time jobs with benefits become rarer and rarer.  And of course, the very concept of retirement is nothing but a fading memory.  Great stuff.

I've become more and more depressed about my future.  It's not just the economic outlook that worries but it's also my interpersonal relationships that I'm depressed about.  When I was at UCSD, I was trying to change myself to become more outgoing, but since graduating it has grind to a halt.  I've isolated myself more and more and I honestly don't see a change in my future in regards to my social situation.  I'm just so tired of it all, of everything. 

I Need To Get Out Of Here

I need to get out of here.  I need to get away from my house.  My applications to grad school is currently reviewed.  I hope I get into one because being in my house is driving me insane.  I need to get away.

Fear Of Being Close To Another

Throughout the last three years, I've been working to become more outgoing and to get closer to women.  I've always suffered from social anxiety and because of it, I simply can't get close to people.  When I was at UCSD, I had so many chances at a relationship but never took the chance because I was so afraid.  One girl after another, each one absolutely stunning and beautiful, who were interested in me, left because they thought I wasn't interested in them.  I was but I was too much of a coward to express it.  Sigh.

One of those girls was Julia Popova.  Blonde, 5 foot 2, econ major, accounting minor, and Delta Gamma sorority.  She was absolutely stunning and I had no idea why she was attracted to me.  She kept trying to get my attention but due to a communications mishap I thought she hated my guts, but later on realized she was attracted to me.  I thought she and I had nothing in common, until one week during the winter 2011 quarter, that we both found out that we both majored in econ and minored in accounting.  I tried to ask her out on Valentine's day, I even bought her a card and a teddy bear, but I fucked up again and couldn't do it.  I wish I did.  She pretty much hated my guts after that.  Sigh, I hate my life.  I really need to get rid of this anxiety, otherwise a chance with someone as stunning as Julia will pass by again.

Note to self:  Don't let another Julia go by again.

Applications

I've been sending one application after another to various grad schools.  Hopefully I'll get accepted.  The thought of being stuck with only an economics degree with no job prospects is absolutely frightening.  The economy is getting worse and bachelors degrees are no longer considered special.  I have to get a masters or otherwise I'll be stuck.

Rejecting Others Before They Reject Me

About a month ago, I was seeing a psychologist at CCSF.  Only two sessions and not really much help.  Even though it was pretty much a waste of time, she did make one good point.  She said that I was rejecting people before they rejected me.  She said it could be due to lack of internal confidence.  Is it possible?  Am I subconsciously rejecting others before they could reject me?  Maybe.  I guess it's something I should work on.

Note to self:  Don't reject others.

The Mall

I decided to go to the local mall today.  Stonestown Galleria is what it's called.  I didn't buy anything or do much besides walking around and checking out the various stores.  The place was packed full of people and the chatter was simply overwhelming.  I bought some food from Panda Express which reminded me of my time at UCSD.  Eating alone in a food court packed full of people was...jarring.  I don't really know how to explain it, it just felt empty.  Maybe this is what the rest of my life is going to be like.

Failure

I've been preparing for grad school applications for the last few weeks and will go into full gear in February.  A part of me simply doesn't want to do it and to simply give up.  I can't, I must keep marching forward.

I'm a failure.  I see myself as one and I feel like one.  Ever since graduating from UCSD, I've been stuck in a rut in what to do next.  I did not make any long term friends at UCSD aside from one, and even then I feel like he sees me as a friend of convenience.  Wendy, my closest friend since middle school might be tired of me.  She calls on Skype often and from time to time, I didn't realize she called and didn't pick up.  She might be tired of me and I wouldn't blame her.  I shouldn't have contacted her, every relationship I've been in whether it be platonic or romantic, ends up crashing and burning.  It's no different with her.

Good luck Wendy.

Note to self:  Keep on marching forward.

Too Much Details

I noticed that I tend to give long winding answers to questions, which in turn annoys people who are asking me the question.  I realized this a long time ago and it still hasn't been fixed.  Great.

Note to self:  Be direct with answers.

My Best Years Are Behind Me, Alone

I've come to the realization that I'm all alone in this world.  Throughout the last ten years, suicide has been on the back of my mind, slowly growing, enveloping every thought that I had.  I've become more and more detached from the world and the people around me, even with family.  Now, I'm at a point where I'm pretty much all alone.  Though I hated being surrounded by morons when I was at UCSD, I enjoyed my time there.  I realize now that my time at UCSD was the best years of my life.  And now it's all gone.  I think it's time to die.

Letters of Recommendation

I've contacted three of my professors for letters of recommendation for masters in computer science and two  said yes!  Awesome, just enough to apply to grad school.  Guess I'll have to start writing my personal statement soon.  Hope I'll get accepted.

Another Old Face, Disappointment

Class at CCSF started again today and I saw another old face.  The guy's name is Isaac.  He and I don't know each other personally, but we were  in the same speech class four years ago.  Really odd seeing so many old faces in the last several months.

I took the GRE about four days and received scores of 158 out of 170 for both verbal and quantitative sections.  Not the best and I'm pretty disappointed in my own performance, but still what's done is done.

I also asked one of my computer science professor's at UCSD for a letter of recommendation and said she can't since she only writes recommendations for her tutors.  Disappointing, hopefully my professors at CCSF will accept.

My life is disappointing, I wish it would end.

GRE, Interview

I went with my dad to some interview thing today to help translate the interviewer for him.  I wasn't nervous and the interviewer didn't seem spooked by me so that's good.  Hopefully, I won't be nervous when it comes to an actual job interview.

On another note, I'm going to take the GRE in two days.  I'm not sure if I can do well on it.  Depression has taken hold on me for the last month or so.  I'm disappointed in myself.