Since graduating, I have become more and more introspective and self reflective about my life and how it affect others. Even though I've been desperately trying to alter my personality to become more sociable and outgoing, I still feel like an outsider, like an alien who crash landed on Earth. Even worst is that I'm slowly regressing back to what I was when I first entered UCSD. One glitch here, one glitch there, my psychological reprogramming is slowly falling apart. It feels hopeless.
Due to my inability to be "normal", I have inadvertently ended up hurting up many people over the years. People like Raquel, people who I could have been friends with when I was at UCSD, so many others who I inadvertently hurt keeps coming back into my mind. How I ended up hurting them keeps replaying over and over again, never allowing me to forget. It's gotten so bad, I've begun to glitch up around my family. There have been two times were my dad either made a joke or was laughing at something and I simply blankly stared at him. It wasn't only until several seconds later that I remembered to smile. My dad probably thinks I'm annoyed by him. I hate myself, I really do.
When I was growing up, I used to imagine what I would do in different scenarios. In one scenario, I imagined I was infected with a very contagious disease and that I would isolate myself from others to prevent myself from harming them. I realize now that I am the disease, I am the harm to others. I always drag others down with me, always a detriment to others. Perhaps it's best to isolate myself.
I wish I was a normal person.
Note to self: Improve relations with family, especially with dad. Don't blank out around dad. Don't look at people out of the corner of your eye.
Let me ask you this, do those around you know of your social anxiety? How it makes you feel and how sometimes it's out of your control? I stumbled on your blog somehow and so I haven't read through it; you sound really knowledgeable about yourself though. Sometimes it's difficult to come across or be normal to others, but similarly it's detrimental to yourself to be something that you simply are not. That does not mean that you shouldn't not do anything about it, but I suppose I see it as a "meeting halfway" thing and that others can help you ... in order to feel your best.
ReplyDeleteHello Pearl. I have told my parents about my social anxiety, though they believe it more to be shyness than an actual problem. No one knows how it affects me and how it makes me feel. Unfortunately, the biggest issue with my social anxiety is that it constantly creates misunderstandings with people I just met. Cashiers and other people I interact with on a frequent basis tend to think I'm arrogant and stuck up.
DeleteI agree with you that trying to be something that I'm not is detrimental to myself, but I realized a long time ago that if I ever what to advance socially, romantically or professionally, I have to change myself into a more outgoing person. I have talked to psychologists, and even though the one I had in college was very helpful, he stated that the only way to beat my social anxiety was to talk to people. There isn't much others can do to knowingly help me. The only way people can help me is by me talking to them and analyzing how they're behaving towards my actions.
Also, if you don't mind me asking, did you just find my blog today or several weeks ago? I've been getting some weird incoming traffic.
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ReplyDeleteWell, help can come in many forms. For instance, those who know can try to understand where you're coming from instead of judging you or being afraid of you. Similarly, they can also break the ice in situations where you are meeting someone new so that their first impressions aren't of you being an arrogant person or whatever label they may assign to you in those first few moments upon meeting you. But of course, this is easier said that done. I'm simply just throwing suggestions out :)
ReplyDeleteAs to how I found your blog, I'm not sure. And by now I've forgotten, but I did enter UCSD in 2009 as a transfer (I think you did as well? Or were you 2010?) and maybe I was hopping links somewhere and stumbled upon your blog. Or maybe it caught my eye somewhere. I was a psych major at UCSD and the "INTJ" thing plus UCSD probably caught my attention!