I've made a huge mistake. In my depressed loneliness I looked at Julie's profile on Linkedin. Seeing a picture of her again made my heart skip a beat. I literally felt it make a huge thump in my chest and stopped for one second. I still have feelings for her. God, why do I do this to myself? I should have gotten over this a long time ago. Seeing her made all those past emotions come bubbling up. I shouldn't have done this, I should not have done this.
Looking back at the time I was at UCSD, I can see most of the stupid mistakes I made, especially when around Julie. When she thought she secretly told her roommate that she didn't really like me, I bottled up my resentment until I blew it all out at her. When I got screwed over by my former roommates, I again bottled up my anger and launched a scorched earth campaign against everyone, including Julie. I was a douche nugget. I had always maintained a "stiff upper lip" as the British would call it, and let the resentment build inside me like some festering wound. I would later lash out and never forgive. Sometimes I would end up regret hurting someone, like Julie. Whenever I do get a second chance I would screw myself over due to stubbornness. My "pride" and "dignity" always get in the way and everything collapses soon after. I'm an idiot. I don't really know if I have emotionally matured the past two years after graduating from UCSD, but I hope I have learned from past experiences and will change in the future.
Seeing that picture of Julie again, well, that's going to be stuck in my mind for a while. Just great.
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