Writing the previous post helped alleviate my mind a bit about Julie. The last couple of weeks, the thoughts about her started to affect my performance at work. Thinking about her and the cycles that repeat throughout my life made me realize there is always one girl in every cycle that drives me to become a better person.
In the first cycle was Rosalyn. She was literally the most popular girl in my high school. I met her in my 9th grade gym class and for some reason she liked me. Every time I passed by her, she would smile at me and wink. Her bitchy friend would keep pushing her towards me. Trying to impress her, I pushed myself physically harder than I had before. Chest, shoulders, abs, arms, legs, I worked every part of my body to be as muscular I can be.
In the second cycle was Katherine. She was absolutely brilliant. She was ambitious, driven, and had the intellect to support it. I met her while volunteering at a hospital during my last year in community college. Talking to her made me realize how amazingly intelligent she is and how dumb I was. It compelled me to better myself intellectually in arts, sciences, languages, technologies, and cultures.
In the third and previous cycle was Julie. She's one of the most amazing and social people I have ever met. I remember seeing how she would talk with people left and right at a party we were at during our first quarter at UCSD. Watching her converse and befriend others so quickly was like watching a ballerina gracefully dance on stage. After that day when she told her roommate Sandie that she didn't really like me after my off-putting responses, I realized that I was not as social or conversational as I could be so I pushed myself to be more outgoing. I spent two years at UCSD constantly changing myself, documenting the process in my old blog, hoping to show her that I can change. Hell, Julie was the reason I started this blog/project in the first place. In the end when I had another chance to be with her, I showed it to her hoping that she saw that I didn't walk away from her and what I was trying to do. But she turned around and acted like she never felt anything for me...
All was not lost though, every cycle that has passed has inspired me to become a better person. The physique I gained while trying to impress Rosalyn helped catch the attention of Katherine and Julie later on. The intellectual improvements I made while trying to impress Katherine made me more intelligent and creative than my former roommates or their friends. I remember doing...something that stunned and impressed Julie and my roommates though I don't truly remember what (so much for my freakishly good memory.) I also used to draw on the concrete wall in my dorm using chalk. Though Julie didn't see my drawings, it did quite impress a female friend of my roommates so much so that she started yelling "Oh my god, that's amazing! Who drew that?" My roommates had to begrudgingly tell her that I did. Heh. My interaction with the other intern at my job at the tech company is evidence that I am improving every cycle. Though my relations with her is purely platonic and professional in nature, I have managed to make her laugh multiple times and I have impressed her with my knowledge of various countries, currencies, and languages. Socializing with her and a few other employees is easier due to the improvements I was making for Julie.
What will the next cycle cause me to improve? Will it be compassion? Will it be passion and romance? Will it be courage? Improving myself for the future is great and all, but I still wish Julie would have understood what I was trying to do back then.
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