Dear Julie

Last year, technically the year before last in 2013 (time sure passes by quickly...), for some reason Julie read through my blog even though we have already graduated from UCSD for a year.  At the time I let my pride decide to not address her, to ignore her.  I could have sent a message to her, but decided not to.  Ever since then, every couple of months, I thought about what I would have said to her.  I imagined it as one of bitterness or one of snark, but it shouldn't be.  It should have been one of apologies, it should have been one of regret.  I don't know if this would help, but maybe writing this would clear my mind.

Hello Julie,

   There is so much I want to say, so much that should have been said.  I'm sorry for being such a jerk.  I wish things would have worked out differently between us.  I wish I hadn't lashed out at you back then, I should have been more understanding. Back in Fall 2009 when you told Sandie that you didn't really like me, I was initially hurt and upset.  Overtime, I slowly understood why you said what you said.  Though you may not remember, I remember what lead up to you saying it.  That day, early in the morning when you saw me, you asked if I was still sleepy and I responded with a terse yes.  Later on, when you gave me all the pepperoni on your slice of pizza (still remember you're a vegetarian) I gave a terse thanks in response.  Those were crappy off-putting responses.  At the time, I thought you were just like my roommates, screwing me over, but in time I understood you weren't.  I still remember that night when I lashed out at you.  When you got off the bus and saw me, I didn't smile or wave even though you lingered a bit and started walking back to the Village Tower upset.  I should have apologized back then.  When you gave me a second chance that day near OVT, I should have been more attentive when you yelled if I wanted to get some ice cream with you.  When we bumped into each other again a month before graduation, we stood still and looked at each other for five seconds, I stood frozen and should have said something then.  In my mad rush to show you that I still had feelings for you, that I was trying to change myself, that I didn't walk away from you that day at OVT so I showed you my blog.  I don't know what happened, but you had a change of heart.  For so long I was bitter and upset, but I shouldn't be.  I had my chance, and many chances before and after, but never took it.  I wish things would have worked out differently.

Writing this was...difficult, I was a lot more emotional than I thought I would be.  Whether this helps me to move on or not, I'm not sure, but to finally put into words what have dwelled in my mind for so long is a release from such a heavy burden.  I wish I had written it back then, I wish I had sent it to her back then, I just wish she knew.