Do Or Do Not, Divorce, Julie vs. INTJ

It's been a week a half since I wrote about moving on from Julie.  Looking back at what happened back then with Julie and what happened when I was with Katherine made me recognize the duality of both situations.  When I was with Katherine, during my last day volunteering at the hospital, she yelled that she was in love with me.  Being the idiot that I am, I simply smiled and waved goodbye.  I never tried tell her I felt the same way.  With Julie, I tried so much, so much more than I had before, only to have it backfire horribly.  I guess in the end I have to let it happen naturally.  It should not be nothing nor should it be everything, it has to be gradual.  I need to keep this in mind.

Speaking of affection and relationships, I found out my cousin is getting a divorce.  His divorce is a complete shock to me.  He and his wife was like the perfect couple in my eyes.  Both were attractive, both made more than $100,000 a year and both have been together since high school.  From the information my parents told me, it seems like they are arguing over some petty crap.  It seems like his wife has become more and more demanding without putting in the effort to change herself even though my cousin wanted to change and talk about it.  It feels like his wife is holding one hell of a grudge, and my cousin stated that if they do go forward with divorce proceedings, there's no going back even if she wants to.  Both of them are starting to build on each other's hatred and it's starting to spiral downwards.  Sounds familiar, sounds like what happened between me and Julie.  Either my cousin or his soon-to-be-ex-wife will regret this later on, I guarantee it.  We'll see how this goes.

Nothing special is happening at work.  Just meeting more employees.  Shook their hands with a firm handshake, smiled, and made appropriate eye contact.  Five years of social and psychological self training is paying off.

On another note, I have been checking on my old blog.  Surprisingly, it still gets a dozen or so hits per week even though it ended nearly three years ago.  There were two iPhone views on Friday with no associated post or keywords, meaning whoever that is knows of my blog directly.  Weird, wonder who that is.  I looked back at one of the pics I posted in my second to last post:

This is where Julie and I lived during our first year at UCSD.  I lived on one end of the hallway in room 501, she lived in the opposite end in room 510.  It's kind of symbolic.  We lived in the opposite ends of the same hall, she was an ENFP and I'm an INTJ, the exact opposites of one another.  Like light and dark, like yin and yang, drawn to each other only to repel away.

I wish I was more forthcoming with my emotions back then, maybe things would have ended differently.  Hell, I would drive down to Los Angeles to be with her if she asked me to.

New Intern, Interaction With Co-Workers

So my group got a new intern today.  After my supervisor left, it left us a gaping hole in our manpower so I have been tasked to manage her.  Wat.  I guess this should be a test of my diplomatic and leadership skills though I really hope I don't fuck things up.  Interacting with her has been decent though I'm still on my tiptoes about it.  Hopefully, she won't have to rely on me that much.

Interactions with coworkers, including interns, have been increasingly better.  More and more managers and employees are starting to recognize and greet me, and even talk to me.  I converse the best I can and of course, put on a smile and such.  Still, every now and then my "mask" falls apart and I have to remind myself by standing in front of a mirror in the bathroom.  The hard work I put in the last couple of years might be starting to pay off.

Coming To Terms About Julie, A Lifetime In A Second

Though I have wrote that it was time to move on, thoughts of Julie still linger on my mind.  I have often thought about what would have happened if I had turned around that day near OVT when she  yelled if I wanted to get some ice cream with her.  What would have happened?  Would she and I be a couple?  Would we have lasted after graduation?  To be absolutely honest with myself, even the greatest optimist inside me would say no, we wouldn't have.  I had no intention of moving to Los Angeles, where she lived, and I doubt she would have moved to the Bay Area either.  At the time I didn't have a car, a job or money that I could spare, not to mention that I was a passive aggressive idiot.  At the time, I couldn't have been the man she desired or deserved.  If we had met in our late 20s or early 30s, it might have been different, but at the time it wouldn't have worked out, and as much as it pains me to say it, she made the right choice that night to reject me.  I would have made the same choice.  It was logical, it was rational, it was the correct decision, and I applaud her for it.  I just hope that douchebag she chose is right for her.  I just hope she's happy.

Looking back at my old blog and this one, seeing how many times I wrote about Julie, I can see how she would freak out and misinterpret it.  Hell, anyone else would say I'm insane and honestly I would too.  How can I care and be so upset about a person who I met five and a half years ago, who I only knew for three years, who rejected me two and half years ago?  That's because to me, six years ago is merely yesterday.  To have such a vivid memory, everything seems like it just happened.  I still remember when Julie made stir fry for me when I came over to her dorm.  I still remember when I offered her medicine when she had a cold.  I still remember when she tapped on my shoulder and asked me in Mandarin about my family and where I was from.  Remembering all these events is making me tear up.  How can I forget and move on when I can live a lifetime in one second?  That day when she yelled if I wanted to get some ice cream with her, that day never ended for me neither did that night when she and I stood and looked at each other for five seconds.  It will never end for me, but for her it ended two and a half years ago, but I still don't know why she was snooping on my blog a year and a half ago and it'll probably be never answered.  I just hope she lives a good life.

Writing all of this was painful, but on a less depressing note I have recalculated my total income for this tax year.  It wasn't $48,000 as I thought, but rather around $53,000.  Hilarious, absolutely hilarious.  Back at UCSD, I didn't have a car, a job or money, but I could have gotten the girl.  Now that I have a car, a job, and money, I'm yearning for a woman who wants nothing to do with me.  The universe truly has a fantastic sense of humor.

You're Leaving?!

So my supervisor quit today.  Apparently she bought a house in some city that's too far away and put in her two weeks notice at the beginning of the year.  Shit, I didn't even know about it until today, apparently everyone else did.  I'm always in the dark about these things.  Our little accounting group of eight people were taken to this fancy restaurant for lunch by the tax director to celebrate my supervisor's time there.  The eight of us sat at the table and talked and laughed a bit and ate the overpriced food.  Of course, I was pretty much the most silent one.  If the other intern wasn't there, it would have been extremely awkward.  Sitting there, listening to them talk, and laugh was pretty weird, it almost felt like we're family.  Really creepy.  Despite being forced into a social situation I was unfamiliar with, I did quite well.  I did converse with the other intern a bit and we all left the restaurant afterwards and took a group photo.  Weird, really weird, I feel more comfortable with people I work with than with peers in social settings.  After we came back from the restaurant, I wrote a goodbye email thanking her for hiring me and such.  I'm horrible at saying goodbyes, but it was the least I can do.

I think the employees there are starting to warm up to me.  More and more people are starting to recognize me and at least say hello and such.  Aside from a few who I have freaked out, interactions with others are getting better.

Time To Let Old Ghosts Rest

It's been nearly a month since I looked at Julie's profile on Linkedin.  Initially I thought it was a mistake, but it wasn't.  It forced me to look back and reflect on all the actions I have taken and all the emotions I felt.  I let my own emotions get the better of me and in the end it cost me the chance at a relationship with her a long time ago.  My actions later on cost me second chances over and over again.  I wanted to blame others, I wanted to blame her, but I can't, it's my own fault.  I have wrote all I ever wanted to write.  I have laid bare all emotions that I have felt.  Aside from the eyes of a few strangers from across the world, no one will ever read what I have written.  It's time to let old ghosts rest.  It's time to move on.

Note to self:  Never bottle up emotions.  Communications is key to good relations with anyone.  Be more outgoing.  Be more understanding and forgiving of others.  Be more forthcoming with positive emotions.  Never pussyfoot around with expressing how you feel for another.  Expressing affection must be done in person, face to face.  Opportunities only come once, don't squander it.  Be a better man.

To Better Oneself For Others

Writing the previous post helped alleviate my mind a bit about Julie.  The last couple of weeks, the thoughts about her started to affect my performance at work.  Thinking about her and the cycles that repeat throughout my life made me realize there is always one girl in every cycle that drives me to become a better person.

In the first cycle was Rosalyn.  She was literally the most popular girl in my high school.  I met her in my 9th grade gym class and for some reason she liked me.  Every time I passed by her, she would smile at me and wink.  Her bitchy friend would keep pushing her towards me.  Trying to impress her, I pushed myself physically harder than I had before.  Chest, shoulders, abs, arms, legs, I worked every part of my body to be as muscular I can be.

In the second cycle was Katherine.  She was absolutely brilliant.  She was ambitious, driven, and had the intellect to support it.  I met her while volunteering at a hospital during my last year in community college.  Talking to her made me realize how amazingly intelligent she is and how dumb I was.  It compelled me to better myself intellectually in arts, sciences, languages, technologies, and cultures.

In the third and previous cycle was Julie.  She's one of the most amazing and social people I have ever met.  I remember seeing how she would talk with people left and right at a party we were at during our first quarter at UCSD.  Watching her converse and befriend others so quickly was like watching a ballerina gracefully dance on stage.  After that day when she told her roommate Sandie that she didn't really like me after my off-putting responses, I realized that I was not as social or conversational as I could be so I pushed myself to be more outgoing.  I spent two years at UCSD constantly changing myself, documenting the process in my old blog, hoping to show her that I can change.  Hell, Julie was the reason I started this blog/project in the first place.  In the end when I had another chance to be with her, I showed it to her hoping that she saw that I didn't walk away from her and what I was trying to do.  But she turned around and acted like she never felt anything for me...

All was not lost though, every cycle that has passed has inspired me to become a better person.  The physique I gained while trying to impress Rosalyn helped catch the attention of Katherine and Julie later on.  The intellectual improvements I made while trying to impress Katherine made me more intelligent and creative than my former roommates or their friends.  I remember doing...something that stunned and impressed Julie and my roommates though I don't truly remember what (so much for my freakishly good memory.)  I also used to draw on the concrete wall in my dorm using chalk.  Though Julie didn't see my drawings, it did quite impress a female friend of my roommates so much so that she started yelling "Oh my god, that's amazing!  Who drew that?"  My roommates had to begrudgingly tell her that I did.  Heh.  My interaction with the other intern at my job at the tech company is evidence that I am improving every cycle.  Though my relations with her is purely platonic and professional in nature, I have managed to make her laugh multiple times and I have impressed her with my knowledge of various countries, currencies, and languages.  Socializing with her and a few other employees is easier due to the improvements I was making for Julie.

What will the next cycle cause me to improve?  Will it be compassion?  Will it be passion and romance?  Will it be courage?  Improving myself for the future is great and all, but I still wish Julie would have understood what I was trying to do back then.

Dear Julie

Last year, technically the year before last in 2013 (time sure passes by quickly...), for some reason Julie read through my blog even though we have already graduated from UCSD for a year.  At the time I let my pride decide to not address her, to ignore her.  I could have sent a message to her, but decided not to.  Ever since then, every couple of months, I thought about what I would have said to her.  I imagined it as one of bitterness or one of snark, but it shouldn't be.  It should have been one of apologies, it should have been one of regret.  I don't know if this would help, but maybe writing this would clear my mind.

Hello Julie,

   There is so much I want to say, so much that should have been said.  I'm sorry for being such a jerk.  I wish things would have worked out differently between us.  I wish I hadn't lashed out at you back then, I should have been more understanding. Back in Fall 2009 when you told Sandie that you didn't really like me, I was initially hurt and upset.  Overtime, I slowly understood why you said what you said.  Though you may not remember, I remember what lead up to you saying it.  That day, early in the morning when you saw me, you asked if I was still sleepy and I responded with a terse yes.  Later on, when you gave me all the pepperoni on your slice of pizza (still remember you're a vegetarian) I gave a terse thanks in response.  Those were crappy off-putting responses.  At the time, I thought you were just like my roommates, screwing me over, but in time I understood you weren't.  I still remember that night when I lashed out at you.  When you got off the bus and saw me, I didn't smile or wave even though you lingered a bit and started walking back to the Village Tower upset.  I should have apologized back then.  When you gave me a second chance that day near OVT, I should have been more attentive when you yelled if I wanted to get some ice cream with you.  When we bumped into each other again a month before graduation, we stood still and looked at each other for five seconds, I stood frozen and should have said something then.  In my mad rush to show you that I still had feelings for you, that I was trying to change myself, that I didn't walk away from you that day at OVT so I showed you my blog.  I don't know what happened, but you had a change of heart.  For so long I was bitter and upset, but I shouldn't be.  I had my chance, and many chances before and after, but never took it.  I wish things would have worked out differently.

Writing this was...difficult, I was a lot more emotional than I thought I would be.  Whether this helps me to move on or not, I'm not sure, but to finally put into words what have dwelled in my mind for so long is a release from such a heavy burden.  I wish I had written it back then, I wish I had sent it to her back then, I just wish she knew.

Another Cycle, Professional Relations, Social Development

The first work week of the new year has ended and things are shaping up pretty badly.  "Work" has trickle down to nothing.  Sitting there for eight hours doing nothing but surfing the internet is simply mind numbing, as ridiculous as that sounds.  Though at $25/hr, I really shouldn't be complaining.  I can't believe I actually want to work, it makes the day go by faster so I get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.  Before the year ended I wrote that I probably jinxed 2015 and, well, I was right.  During the first work day of this year, my supervisor came by my cubicle to say happy new year.  When I immediately turned to look at her, she immediately averted eye contact and stood frozen for about a second but saying happy new year.  Another worker would look towards the ground when she sees me before saying hello.  This was after one of my robotic-like trance when I walked past her several weeks ago.  Shit, my INTJ vibe is starting to leak out again, and my "mask" is wearing off.  Welp, my chances at making this turn into a career at that company just went to null.

Despite my interactions with the employees crashing and burning, my interactions with the other intern in my group has been stellar.  It's weird that she and I would get along so well.  The computers of all employees were set up with an internal instant messaging system similar to AIM, and when she and I would were bored, we would simply talk to each other.  She and I have made each other laugh multiple times.  It's strange that I'm a lot more outgoing around her, I think it's due to the fact that we converse on the instant messaging program.  Even though she is only 20 feet away from me and that she visits my cubicle from time to time, I don't really feel any nervousness when talking to her in person.  Several years ago, I noticed that I'm a lot more outgoing outline than I am in person.  At the time, I thought it was the anonymity on a website that made me more outgoing, but after interacting with the other intern for the last few months makes me question that.  Several posts ago, I wrote that maybe I'm so comfortable around her is because she's like the little sister I never had.  The only other person I have ever described as a little sister was Katherine...Thankfully I'm keeping my emotions in check, and the physical distance ensures there is no further interpersonal development.

It's pretty funny thinking that the other intern is like a little sister and drawing parallels with Katherine.  Several years ago in my previous blog, I came to the realization that there are constant cycles that keep repeating in my life.  What is happening now might be the beginning of the next one.  After graduating high school, I went to CCSF and saw a bunch of people from my high school.  After graduating UCSD, I went to CCSF and again saw a bunch of people from my high school.  At the end of my first time at CCSF, I volunteered at a hospital for one year and met Katherine.  Now I'm doing an internship after CCSF and met the other intern.  What will be next after this internship?  Will there be another "UCSD" where I spend the next three years of my life?  Or am I doomed to repeat this until the day I die?

I could have broken the cycle with Julie, but in stupidity destroyed that chance.  Hopefully I'll change that.

Note to self:  Break the next cycle.

Julie, Memories, Future Objectives

I have a freakishly good memory, so good that I can remember extremely minute things that happened years ago.  Some people think it's a gift, others think it's freaky, I think it's a curse.  Thinking about Julie again has caused so many memories to come flooding back.  I remember when my roommates and I were invited over to her dorm by her roommates.  I was sitting on an ottoman at the time and as I looked to my left, I saw her with her feet on the table, tapping away on her sliding phone.  She was wearing blue jeans with a purple jacket at that time.  When I looked away, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that she turned to look at me.  Another memory was when she knocked on my dorm's door and I went to open it.  I stood there with my mouth open like an idiot and she rolled her eyes and walked past me.  I still remember when she complained about how her roommate Ashley was bothering her by constantly talking so I bought her sound proof ear muffs and gave it to her when she came to see me.  Of course she just tossed it aside at the time, not understanding why I bought it.  (That's $25 I'll never see again.)  Memories like these is why having a fantastic memory is a curse.  Forced to always remember when everyone has forgotten.  Events that should have faded away will always stay not matter how much I try to forget.  All the joys and sadness always there.

In time these memories will fade into the background again, I have to look towards the future in the mean time.  Future objectives are the following:

• Move out of parents' house
• Finish masters degree either in accounting or computer science.
• Some university in China called the Shanghai Advanced Institute of Finance has been pestering me to apply so I might actually do so.
• Buy house
• Start career.  Calculated probability of being offered a full time career job at large tech company is low.  Have to start preparing to find new job 11 months from now.

I accomplished most of the goals I set for myself when I was at UCSD even though I thought my chances at succeeding were low.  Hopefully I'll accomplish the objectives above.

No Fate But What We Make

Really shouldn't have looked at Julie's profile, but curiosity got the best of me.  I had a dream last night that I bought a house from her (what the hell?).  Thinking about her made me think back to all the second chances I had with her even though I acted like a jackass.  Bumping into her over and over again on campus, but never telling how I felt, never apologizing for making her upset until the last time I bumped into her a month before graduation.  Again, I had another chance last year when she was reading through my blogs for some reason.  I could have sent a message or something, but I let my pride decide not to.  So many second chances squandered.  The same thing happened with Katherine years ago when I kept bumping into her at CCSF.  It's almost like fate or the universe keeps giving me another chance, but I have to be the one to take it.  Too bad I keep fucking it up.

I wish I could go back in time and change absolutely every screw up I did, but this is the path I have chosen so I'll have to deal with it.  Hopefully there are more opportunities in the future.

Speaking of determining my own fate, I have accomplished most of the goals I have set for myself during my last year at UCSD, Aside from passing the CPA exam, I was accepted into every graduate program I applied to and this internship is pretty much like a full time job.  I'll have to set more goals for the next few years.  First and foremost I have to move out of my parents' house.

Julie, Pride Before The Fall

I've made a huge mistake.  In my depressed loneliness I looked at Julie's profile on Linkedin.  Seeing a picture of her again made my heart skip a beat.  I literally felt it make a huge thump in my chest and stopped for one second.  I still have feelings for her.  God, why do I do this to myself?  I should have gotten over this a long time ago.  Seeing her made all those past emotions come bubbling up.  I shouldn't have done this, I should not have done this.

Looking back at the time I was at UCSD, I can see most of the stupid mistakes I made, especially when around Julie.  When she thought she secretly told her roommate that she didn't really like me, I bottled up my resentment until I blew it all out at her.  When I got screwed over by my former roommates, I again bottled up my anger and launched a scorched earth campaign against everyone, including Julie.  I was a douche nugget.  I had always maintained a "stiff upper lip" as the British would call it, and let the resentment build inside me like some festering wound.  I would later lash out and never forgive.  Sometimes I would end up regret hurting someone, like Julie.  Whenever I do get a second chance I would screw myself over due to stubbornness.  My "pride" and "dignity" always get in the way and everything collapses soon after.  I'm an idiot.  I don't really know if I have emotionally matured the past two years after graduating from UCSD, but I hope I have learned from past experiences and will change in the future.

Seeing that picture of Julie again, well, that's going to be stuck in my mind for a while.  Just great.