Another Year, Countdown

Half an hour till midnight and it will be the end of this year.  This year has been alright, I finished up my IT internship on a high note and am now immediately moving onto working full time at the tech company.  Despite my initial reluctance to accept such a position, and the lack of desire from the employees there to interact with me, I am okay at being there.  They leave me alone, they give me work to do, I get it done, and then I go home.  I'm fine with that.  Hopefully there won't be a massive shit storm heading my way in 2015.  (I probably just jinxed it.)

Though this year was okay for me personally, it wasn't very swell for the rest of the world.  Multiple high profile plane crashes left hundreds dead or missing.  Apparently the Cold War is back with Russia and the West dick waving at each other.  Jihadists in the Middle East have killed tens of thousands, and apparently, the U.S. just declared an oil war against the Saudis this morning for dicking around with oil prices.  And of course, there's the increasing levels of automation that I have been worried about for some time now.  2015 isn't off to a good start.  2015 won't be a good start for me either.  Several years ago when I was back at UCSD, I made a promise to myself to self-terminate if I'm not married by the time I'm 35.  I intend to keep that promise.  I don't see the purpose of life if my misery and loneliness continues on after that point.  When midnight comes, I will have eight years remaining before self-termination.  It's all or nothing.

Maybe I should have sent Julie a message when she was snooping around on my blog.

Note to self:  Have a better year.  Accomplish something, anything.

Here Today Gone Tomorrow

Today was the last day at my IT internship.  Afterwards it's full time at the tech company.  I thought I would have make up some bs excuse to my supervisor at my large tech company about why I couldn't come in at certain days even though school is done, but they really don't care about it so that's a load off my back.  After sending my two weeks notice, my IT supervisor didn't seem really pleased or happy or anything for that matter.  I don't really blame her, my behavior around her, while not anti-social, wasn't exactly cheerful or outgoing.  During the three months working at the the IT internship, I came to dread going there to work.  The environment was nice, the people were nice, but something about getting close to others made me feel the need to push away.  It's the same feeling I had when I was at UCSD.  Whenever I got close to others, I would have to urge to push them away.  It's that fear of being emotionally close to another person.  It's still something I need to work on.

Saying goodbye to them was difficult.  It wasn't due to emotions or anything like that, it was due to not knowing what to say.  I didn't screw up that badly, but it still could have been better.  Despite the screw up at the end, I felt that I did well interacting with them.

My interactions at the tech company have been neutral at best.  My supervisor is nice though most of the time is concentrated on her own stuff.  Strangely, I'm getting along quite well with the other intern that is my group.  I managed to make her laugh several times and I'm more outgoing than usual around her.  I don't know why though, maybe I see her as the little sister I never had.  Other than the other intern and my supervisor, other people don't really care to interact with me.  The feeling's mutual.

One annoying thing that has happened is that my INTJ vibe might have leaked out and spooked some of them.  Everyday I go there, I put on a "happy" mask that makes me seem normal, but every now and then, my true self comes out.  I think I might have freaked out some small Asian woman.  Every time she sees me, she would take a step back and be hesitant around me.  I think another worker might have felt the same way.  Even worst, I think my supervisor's supervisor felt it as well.  His demeanor towards me has changed over the past few weeks, going from outgoing to more hesitant around me.  I think it's best for me to just stick to my cubicle.

One Month In, Mr. Lucky

It's been one month since I started at the large tech company.  It's a pain in the ass.  Waking up at six in the morning with an hour and a half long commute back and forth.  Absolutely tiring, I don't understand how people would consider this living.  After four weeks, I have done absolutely nothing.  The little tasks they have given me were basic and easily accomplished within an hour or so, otherwise, it's back to redditing.

They have currently set me up in a leftover cubicle that was supposed to be temporary, but later became permanent.  I don't really mind since it's quite decent sized and the group I'm assigned to is all packed into one small room.  My social interactions with the group, which consists of four people, have been mediocre at best.  I got a feeling that they don't really want me there, but the feeling is mutual.  The only person I am interacting well with is another intern that is also in my group.  It's weird really, for reason I'm very outgoing with her, and we get along quite well.  Interacting with her make things bearable while working 8 hours per day.

Working at this internship has many downsides, the greatest of all is driving home at night.  I don't know what's up with other people, but a lot of drivers have their damn high beams on at night, and it's absolutely blinding.  Changing lanes is a test of patience and nerves.  Even worst is that for some reason my stupid brain keeps zoning out while driving.  I have almost gotten into several accidents because it.  Maybe I have a medical condition or something, I need to get it checked out.  The only reason I'm still alive and in one piece is because I was lucky, but I fear my luck may run out someday.

Interactions With Co-workers, Personality

It's been a month and a half into my IT internship and I'm having a decent time there.  Though extremely boring, whenever I need to do something I am able to accomplish it in a short amount of time and went back to surfing the net afterwards.  The IT department consists of three women, one is the director and the two other are pretty much helpdesk support like I am.  My interactions with them, though limited, are pretty decent.  My interactions with other staff are going pretty well also, surprisingly.  Strangely, I don't stutter or murmur or do any of my usual screw ups when interacting with the people there.  Maybe it's the relaxing atmosphere that has made me more comfortable with talking to people.

Even though I am interacting well with other people, my personality still sucks.  I have nothing to talk about and don't have interest that matches most other "normal" people.  A basic question like "tell me more about yourself" tends to make me freeze up.  Ugh, I'm still kicking myself after one of the accounting interviewers asked me that and I gave an one sentence answer.  Still need to work on that.

I'll Make You An Offer You Can't Refuse

I've been hired by the large tech company.  They sent me an offer and new hire package to fill out and return to them.  It'll probably take another month or so before they tell me when to begin which is good since it's fitting into my future plans quite nicely.  It stated that I have a base hourly pay of $25 with overtime up to $37.50.  Absolutely insane.  It'll be an one year long internship and I'll be earning 48 grand before taxes.  Though I was initially hesitant about doing this internship, I managed to convince them to let me work three days a week until this semester ends so I'll be doing my IT internship and finishing my class/holding my spot in graduate school.  Hopefully this plays out according to plan, but I still have to be vigilant and be prepared.

Large Tech Company Redux, Black Sheep.

Even though I already have an internship, I decided to do another interview.  My dad's client, who I mentioned in several other posts, took it upon herself to forward my resume to another group of hiring managers.  Though I was reluctant to do it, I went for the interview any way.  Surprisingly, I did quite well this time.  Voice was clear, I did not choke nor stutter, and the I was able to give clear and concise examples when asked.  I was later told by one of the interviewers that I was accepted for the tax intern position and I'm supposed to start in the next few weeks.  I'm not sure how to feel about this. While this does fit my future goals, it feels wrong that I got the position based on who I know rather than what I know.  Still I can't complain I guess.

Getting this intern position made question what the hell am I.  I got this intern position because my dad's client went above and beyond trying to help me after talking to my dad.  How does my dad influence people like that?  Hell, my mom and little brother are the same way.  Both my dad and little brother are extremely introverted, but very social and likable if they choose to be.  My mom is more extroverted and social around others.  Me, on the other hand, is just pure socially retarded.  I can't influence and befriend others even if my life depended on it.  After thinking about the rest of my relatives, I can say that none of them are as socially messed up as I am.  What makes me different?  Why am I different from everyone else in my family?

Internship, Reflection

I finally got an internship.  After signing a whole bunch of papers, I was officially hired and I'm going to start next Monday.  Finally.  I can't believe that I got it, I spent an entire summer applying for accounting internships with only a few responding, but ended up bombing every interview.  I apply for one IT internship and immediately got the job.  I chose the wrong fucking major when I applied to UCSD several years ago.  Even though I'm elated, I still got the feeling that they hired me because they had no choice.  They stated that only a handful applied for the position and that I was the first to be interviewed or something like that.  Though I preferred to be hired based on merit, I guess I should consider myself lucky.  Downside of this was that I had to cancel two other interviews.  I was suppose to interview for a government research analyst position, which would have put my economics degree to work, and another accounting internship.  I doubt I would have been hired for those, but I still wonder if I made a mistake.

Though my professional development is back on track, I can't say the same for my social development.  As noted in my previous posts, all my bad little habits that I have tried to get rid of throughout my time at UCSD is coming back.  I don't think I'll ever be able to fix myself no matter how hard I try.  Even if I do, I don't think I can ever truly integrate myself back into society.

Regression, Stephanie Fried, Being Stuck At 30

For the last month or so I have regressed in my social development.  After the disastrous interviews I had over the summer, I began to notice that I have fallen back bit by bit until I'm a virtual mute.  When I was at a store, I held the elevator open for some guy and he thanks.  I tried saying sure, but nothing came out.  When someone jokingly said to me "nice car" since he and I had the same model, I looked at him blankly, tried to respond, but nothing came out.  Why does this happen?  Why won't my psychological training stay?  Over and over again, I have to deal with this, relearning everything again.  Looks like my brain is not as adaptive as I hoped or thought it would be.

This is my first week at San Jose State University.  It's a pretty weird place.  Parts of it were as nice as UCSD while other parts were barely better than community colleges.  It's absolutely packed with people and classroom I was in reminded me of Ledden auditorium at UCSD.  Despite the heat, it's a decent place.  During my first day there, I overheard some guy say he's 33 and he's trying to get a masters degree.  It's somewhat comforting to know that I'm not alone in my position.  Even then, it's kind of discouraging to know that I might end up still in school at that age.  Reading through sites like reddit doesn't help either.  One guy posted that he feels stuck in his 30s and might never have anything to show for it.

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2dzf6y/what_fact_scares_the_shit_out_of_you/cjurnxk

On another note, for some reason I keep thinking about my former T.A. Stephanie Fried.  Thinking back, I swear that she was attracted to me.  During my last year at UCSD, she kept smiling at me when she bumped into me.  One time when I pretended to look at my phone instead of saying hello, she became really upset, far more than one would expect.  I seldom think women are attracted to me without lots of evidence, but thinking about what took place is making me question if there was anything to it.  She's absolutely brilliant and attractive, and I would be lucky to be with someone like her.

Girl From Econ, Others Like Me, Phantom Messages

I've been having more dreams lately, which is weird since I usually dream only once a year.  This time is about this girl from one of my old econ classes.  She was extremely meek and shy, and couldn't even answer a question asked by the professor after mumbling for about 10 seconds..  She always sat in the front row with a GRE book in her hand.  Maybe I'm dreaming about her because she was as socially messed up as I am.  Dreaming about her made me think about all the other lonely people I saw around campus.  Every now and then, I would see people sitting by themselves while looking at others socializing.  I wonder if they ever thought about their own situation and if they took action to fix it.  I wonder if I could ever fix myself.

In the next couple of weeks I'll be starting grad school at SJSU for computer science.  One hour commutes to get there is a definite change of pace.  I should be excited, but I'm quite honestly disappointed.  The last six months have been a real kick in the balls after being rejected from every application and failing every interview I've had.  We'll see how this goes.  I hope I'll have better luck finding...something, anything.

On another note, for some reason facebook keeps emailing me that I have a message, but when I check it, there's nothing.  Odd.

I Remember You, Regressing, Julie

Ever since graduating, the last two years have been weird.  Over and over again, I keep seeing people I have met in high school and middle school, and I'm not hallucinating either.  No doubt that it's probable that they would show up around San Francisco, but seeing so many of them is just strange.  Even weirder are people who recognize me, but I have no idea who they are.  Several days ago, I dropped off a package at an UPS store and the girl working there said she remembers me from high school, yet I have no idea who she is.  I have no recollection of talking to her or even being in the same classes as her.  Back at UCSD, there were people who kept coming up to me saying that they lived next door to me or remember me from a year ago and such.  Am I really that oblivious to the world around me?  Am I really that memorable?  I'm not sure if I should be glad or freaked out about this.

After reviewing my interviews again, I realized I'm starting to regress again.  All my little advancements in being social, becoming more "people friendly" and such are going backwards.  Just yesterday, a job I applied to contacted me and wanted me to come in for an interview, but I made some bs excuse and turned it down.  Part of me felt that it was useless, but another part of me actually felt afraid.  It was something that I haven't felt in the last few years.  I guess my social anxiety and anxiety in general is starting to creep in again.  Not surprising really, I've been cooped up in my home the last couple of months and it seriously hampered my ability to socialize.  I need to keep fighting it.

On another note, I've been having dreams about Julie lately.  Don't know why I would, I've gotten over her a month after I graduated and quite honestly I don't miss her, but she keeps popping up every couple of nights.  Dreams about the conversations we had, how she would come over to dorm room to see me etc.  The one that keeps popping up the most was when she told her roommate that she didn't really like me.  I guess it made a lasting impression and my subconscious is still trying to deal with it.

Note to self:  Keep fighting social anxiety.

Frustration

I'm getting more and more frustrated as time goes on.  A long time ago when I was at UCSD, I decided check on the progress of people I have met in the past.  Everybody is moving on with their lives, they're working on their careers, getting promotions, even starting families, but here I am doing absolutely nothing.  It's absolutely frustrating.  Reviewing my interviews over and over again has me kicking myself.  So many times I fucked it up.  I can't believe my shitty personality is now costing me the ability to get a job/internship.  I should have dealt with fixing my personality years ago even before arriving at UCSD, but I kept putting it off again and again.  Now I'm going to grad school when I don't really want to.  A long time ago, I wrote about being afraid of being alone and over-educated, but now it looks more and more like it's going to be my future  I am afraid of what's to come.

Several weeks ago, researchers found that interviews tend to favor extroverted narcissists.  I guess I have to become one to get a job.  Several new opportunities and internship popped up and I'll be applying.  Whether it's more opportunities to succeed is questionable.

Review, Fake Personality

My dad bumped into the client who worked at the large tech corporation several days ago.  He asked her why wasn't I chosen as an intern and she said it was because the managers said I didn't talk enough.  Great, just great.  I actually thought my interview with the the three managers was decent, but apparently they were expecting more.  Looking back at the few interviews I had, I sound like an absolute idiot.  Regional audit manager ask me what are my hobbies and I respond with that I take hikes around Golden Gate Park.  Seriously, what the hell was I smoking?  My body may have not reacted poorly to being interviewed, but my mind sure froze up.  Interview for the student payroll position, the manager asked me if I would be interested in learning the payroll system and I responded with "if I found it interesting, I definitely would."  Facepalm.  I should have responded with "yes definitely, I'm always interested in learning new things."  The interview with the economics company was so messed up, I don't even know where to begin.  I really need to work on my personality.  I need to create a fake one that others can relate to.

My test results for the audit associate came back and I failed it by a few points.  I can't believe it.  The test wasn't even math heavy and was more focused on customer service.  This must be a sick, twisted joke by the universe where accounting exams are about interpersonal interactions.  Ugh.  At least another city job opened up.  I wonder how I'll do on that.

Two Years And Counting

It's been two years since I graduated from UCSD.  Last year I wrote that I was progressing along nicely with my professional goals, but after the last few months I don't think I can say that anymore.  Application after application, interview after interview, I wasn't offered any potential jobs or internships.  I bombed the city accounting internship was just a few points away from the cutoff, the government internship hasn't responded with anything for a month, and I wasn't even selected for an interview after applying for the marketing analyst job.  Hell, I was turned down for the student accounting jobs on campus.  Things are bad, I guess it's masters in computer science it is then.

After multiple interviews, I realize it isn't my resume that's the issue, it's the interviewing part that is the problem.  It's a problem with the delivery, not the product itself.  Things like "tell me about your hobbies" tend to screw me up, and questions that I did not anticipate are screwing me over too.  I need to work on it.

Speaking of "tell me about your hobbies", I realized that I have no personality, at least not one that I can present in public.  I need to create a fake personality with "presentable" hobbies that sounds somewhat interesting, if I don't, there is nothing to talk about.

On a somewhat related note, I found out that UCSD offers a masters in computer science without needing a bachelors as a prerequisite.  It would be interesting if I applied and ended up there again.

Note to self:  Work on "interesting" personality.

Well That Was Fast..., Change In Strategy, Student Jobs

The economics company I applied to finally responded after I interviewed with them a week ago.  They sent an email about how unfortunate they can't offer me the job right now blah, blah, blah etc.  That was...fast.  It doesn't really bother me though because quite honestly I didn't expect to get the job much less even get the chance to interview with them.  Though I have to wonder if it was because I didn't have what they were looking for or if it was because I screwed up on the telephone interview.

After having no response from pretty much every internship I applied to, I'm changing my strategy.  I'm actually removing prior experience to make it seem like I freshly graduated or something.  I applied to an entry level marketing analyst position several days ago, just waiting to see if it works.  The student accounting jobs I applied to responded and I interviewed with them in the past two days.  Like the face to face interviews previously, I didn't experience any nervousness and I think I did okay on them.  Strangely, another government job/internship invited me to take an exam to see if I'm a good match.  I really don't get what's going on.  Apparently I'm absolutely unemployable in the private sector yet I'm desirable in the government sector.  Really strange.

Note to self:  Keep working on interviews and body language.

Not Another Phone Interview, Head Honcho, Fear

I finished two different interviews within the last two days.  The first one was a phone interview with an economics consultant company.  They have visited UCSD multiple times in the past and apparently they have been looking for some "data systems" programmer since January.  Since the position was listed as wanting someone with 0 to 3 years of experience, I applied for it and received an email from a recruiter who set up the telephone interview.  The telephone interview was not good to say the least.  It lasted less than 10 minutes and I got the feeling the guy on the phone was unimpressed.  Safe to say that path is a no go.  On the positive side, I was doing a lot better on this phone interview than the ones before, though I pretty much said all the wrong things.

Second interview was with the regional manager of the government internship.  I felt the interview went poorly.  As stated before, I didn't have physiological reactions during previous interviews and it was same for this one.  My mind however was the complete opposite, it was like it was too static and hardened.  Any deviation from what I expected, I would stall.  When he asked some of the questions he asked, I got the feeling he expected a longer answer.  Even when asked something as basic as "tell me about yourself/what are your hobbies?", I froze up and gave a very short and simple answer.  Facepalm.  I should have prepared myself for that question.  Despite my craptacular answers, I did not sense anything from the regional manager.  His body language, facial expression etc. did not show any signs of annoyance or disinterest.  Either he wasn't annoyed or he's really good at hiding it.  How this path will play out is up in the air.

After applying for all these internships and doing these interviews, I've come to the realization that I am really, really screwed.  I'm not getting any responses for the internships I applied to for some reason, and the ones where I do get interviews are either denied or can't be determined if I'll get accepted or not.  If this is the case then I really need get a masters in computer science instead.  The pharm company already found someone and Another government internship finally got back to me and I applied for a payroll position at my school, hopefully something comes from it.

Note to self:  Practice interviews more.  Make mind more fluid and dynamic.

Da Gubermint, Internships

I finally heard back from the federal and city government internships I applied to several months ago.  Surprisingly, they wanted me to take the first parts in the interview process.  For the city internship, I have to take an "exam" to see what knowledge I possess at 8:30 am on a Saturday.  The exam was brutal.  It was four hours long, consisting of two parts with 140 questions total.  It was like taking a final exam that I never studied for. While I believe I did well on the English/grammar portion, the accounting portion was a whole different story.  The accounting portion consisted of knowledge of the laws of government accounting and accounting calculations.  The calculations I can do, but questions regarding laws were nothing more than luck.  Whether I passed or not, I'll find out in a couple of weeks.

For the government internship, I had to do a face to face interview with four different people.  Two of them were assistant managers and the two other were employees.  It was a pretty normal interview process even though it was for a government agency, and like the interview at the large tech company, I didn't stammer that much.  However, I may have given unsatisfactory answers to their questions and I may have actually smiled too much, which may have freaked out the first female interviewer.  My body language and eye contact was decent, aside from what I listed above there wasn't anything of note when I analyzed my own behavior afterwards.  In the end it was okay.

After doing the interviews at the government internship and the tech company, I realized something odd.  I realized that my body doesn't react during the interviews.  I don't sweat, my breathing and heart rate doesn't increase, I don't flinch or twitch or anything physiological that would indicate nervousness. Really weird.  Seems like I conditioned my body better than my mind for situations like interviews.

On another note, the response rate for the internships I applied for have been absolutely disappointing.  I applied to probably a little bit over a dozen now and there has been only one response aside from the government ones.  Ironically, I keep getting responses for full time jobs that I apply to.  Don't understand what's up with that.

Face To Face

I went to the interview at the large tech company yesterday.  I had to do three back to back interviews with three different managers.  Surprisingly, I did a lot better than I thought I would.  I didn't stammer as much as I did when I was doing the telephone interview with the manager at the pharmacy company nor did I freeze up.  I was even able to immediately answer questions I wasn't expecting.  I guess four years of psychological and social self-training is starting to pay off.  Though I felt it went well, I think I should ask more questions when the interview is nearly over.  I ask the second interviewer several questions and she asked if I had anymore, when I said no, she asked me if I'm sure.  I may not have made a good impression for that interviewer. I also could have improved my body language.  I realized that I was slightly slouching the whole time when I should have sat up straight.  I also think I was looking out through the corner of my eye when talking to two of interviewers when they sat next to me rather than across from me.  Amount of eye contact was good though.  Whether I will get accepted or not will depend on them.

Despite the scorching weather in the Bay Area yesterday and having to wait almost an hour before the interview, the experience I gained from the three interviews will be helpful in the future.

Upside, Downside, Telephone Interview #2

My previous post was wrong, I did hear back from the recruiter about a week ago and she set me up with another telephone interview, this time with the senior finance manager.  I just finished talking to her and I fucked up bad.  For some reason, my home phone was getting a lot of static and I had to interrupt her and asked her to call my cell phone.  Just my luck, my home phone never had this problem before, but it just had to happen today.  Then of course, I was stammering like an idiot.  While my stammering wasn't as bad as last time, I still could have done better.  I swear she sounded uninterested in what I had to say by the end of the interview.  She said she'll refer to HR to see where we'll go in the next step.  Sounds like a 'Nope' to me.  Facepalm.

It's not all bad though.  Somehow, my dad managed to set me up with an interview with the tax manager at a large tech company.  Apparently one of his clients is an accountant there so I'll be doing multiple face to face interviews tomorrow.  Hopefully I'm a lot more graceful in person than on the phone.  Also, after applying for a part time accounting assistant position at an advertising firm last night, the company called me back this morning.  Strangely, I didn't stutter, stammer or become an incoherent mess while talking to the recruiter.  Really weird.  Was it because I didn't really care about the job or was it because I just woke up and my brain didn't understand the gravity of the situation?  It's something to investigate into.

On another note, none of the government accounting internships have responded at all.  No 'rejected', 'under consideration', or 'cancelled'.  It's been a month since I applied to some of them and there are no updates on their status.  I'm not sure if they found someone already and didn't bother to notify anyone else or if the status updates are slow as molasses due to government bureaucracy.

Note to self:  Keep working on telephone interactions.

Telephone Interview

Out of the half dozen internships I applied to, I received one hit.  It was from some pharmacy company north of San Francisco for a finance intern position.  After a week of emails back and forth, the recruiter and I scheduled a telephone interview for this morning to see if I would be a good fit for the position.  After four years of constantly trying to improve myself socially and in interacting with people, this was the moment I was preparing for.  Despite several years of improvement and psyching myself up for the last few days, my interview with her was a mess.  I felt like I was trying to rush through it and end it as quickly as possible.  While I did followed proper social etiquette, I stuttered a bit and was extremely nervous throughout the whole thing.  The recruiter stated that she will relay the information to the finance manager and contact me later, but I got the feeling that I won't be hearing from her again.  I found myself pacing back and forth for half an hour afterwards wondering what I could have said better.  I guess I should just write this one off and apply to more internships or even full time jobs.

On another note, I got accepted into SJSU again for computer science.  It's a plan B, if needed.

Note to self:  Work on telephone interactions.

Telephone, Grad School Application Redux

I'm a horrible telephone conversationalist and it's been three years since I realized that, but even then there doesn't seem like I have made any progress in fixing it.  Over and over again, when I talk to my dad's clients over the phone, it seems like I'm rushing the conversation or screwing up one way or the other.  How would I practice this to get better?  When it came to interacting with people face to face, I could practice every now and then just by talking to people, but talking on the phone is a whole different matter.  When I'm at work, I have a given list of what to say to a caller so I don't freeze up, but when it comes to saying what's on my mind, I tend to mess up over and over again for some reason.  But still, I had to call the same client multiple times and talk to her and I felt like I was getting better at it over time.  I didn't rush the conversation the last few times.  I hope I can make better progress.

On another note, I reapplied to SJSU for computer science graduate school.  If I seriously don't hear from any of the accounting related internships I applied to then I'm seriously going to SJSU, that is if they accept me again.

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Several years ago when I was still at UCSD, I thought that I had avoidant personality disorder.  It means that whenever I see someone I know I would avoid them at all cost and would hide rather than talk to them.  After seeing a psychologist at UCSD and him acknowledging that I do suffer from it, I have been trying to deal with it for the last three years.  Over the last three years I have been more and more successful in combating this problem and it felt like it was dissipating.  However, in the past couple of weeks, I noticed myself becoming more and more avoidant of the people I know, especially the people I work with.  In one case I avoided the IT manager at my work place and I think he noticed it.  Though I said hi to him the next time I saw him, I can't help but feel that it made him upset.  I hope it didn't jeopardize anything.  I hope I'm not reverting back to what I was before, I'll have to keep working on it.

On another note, more and more companies are contacting me through the my bloomberg account, though many of them prefer to remain anonymous.  I don't know if it should give me hope or make me despair since none have done anymore aside from requesting my resume after looking at my profile.

Note to self:  Eliminate avoidant disorder.

Volunteering, Social Status

For the last three weeks, I was volunteering as an "Intake interviewer" for a volunteer income tax assistant site.  I was supposed to go there every Friday from 9:30 to 12:00, but the boredom and the annoying amount of time to get there and back got the better me and I had to make up some bs excuse about why I had to quit.  Though those three weeks didn't accomplish much, the social interactions I had there helped me get a sense of how I'm progressing socially.

I did not have any problems socializing with the secretary there or with the volunteer tax assistants there.  When groups of people came in and I had to help them fill out their forms, I wasn't nervous conversing with them.  For the most part, things went smoothly, however I had issues with one of the volunteers.  Her name is Hui Yi or something like that and based on her body language and behavior, she thought I was attracted to her.  She would refuse to make eye contact and would stay in another room.  It wasn't until she found out that I was in a masters program from the other volunteers that she started talking to me.  Can't believe people are so superficial, I know that social status plays a part in how one person view another, but to be so up front about it is annoying.  Even though I found her behavior annoying, my conversations with her was decent.  My body language, eye contact, and voice was optimal.  Whether my behavior is due to my "professionalism" or due to behavior modifications in the last few years, I am unsure.

I Am Not A Smart Man

I'm an idiot.  Several posts ago, I stated that some company was trying to connect with me through my Bloomberg Assessment account to try to give me a chance at a job.  I thought nothing of it since it was located in southern California.  When I logged on to my Bloomberg account today, I found out that a dozen different companies have been trying to connect with me throughout the previous year.  My account was supposed to notify me every time a company was trying to connect with me and yet it only notified me of one.  Great, I managed to screw myself over again.  I really should take this stuff more seriously.

Right now I'm trying to apply to various internships and trying to write a decent cover letter is a pain.  The amount of companies not looking for accounting graduate students is surprising and worrisome.  What's even more surprising is how many companies are looking for MBAs.  I always thought MBAs were considered a joke and was worthless.  Hopefully, I'll get at least one internship or something.

26, Associates Degree

In a couple of weeks I'll be 26 years old.  Time sure passes by fast.  I'm now in my mid twenties, supposedly the prime of my life and yet I still feel like I'm stuck in place.  All the people I knew, on the other hand, are moving at a decent pace with their lives.  A couple of weeks ago, I found out that one of my old high school acquaintances gave birth to a baby boy a year ago.  People I knew are already starting families, and yet here I am watching the days go by.  I really need to start moving with my life.  On a somewhat related note, I found out that one of my student coworkers is 29 years old.  This whole time I thought he was younger than I was.  No offense to him, but I really hope I don't end up like him, having to restart at such a late point in life.  Guess it's a signal for me to hurry up and get moving.

Aside from the upcoming birthday, the only other thing I can write about is that I'm going to receive my associates degree in computer and information science.  Don't know how much of a help it's going to be when it comes to job interviews, but hopefully the human resources folks will see it thinking that I'm technologically capable.