Do Or Do Not, Divorce, Julie vs. INTJ

It's been a week a half since I wrote about moving on from Julie.  Looking back at what happened back then with Julie and what happened when I was with Katherine made me recognize the duality of both situations.  When I was with Katherine, during my last day volunteering at the hospital, she yelled that she was in love with me.  Being the idiot that I am, I simply smiled and waved goodbye.  I never tried tell her I felt the same way.  With Julie, I tried so much, so much more than I had before, only to have it backfire horribly.  I guess in the end I have to let it happen naturally.  It should not be nothing nor should it be everything, it has to be gradual.  I need to keep this in mind.

Speaking of affection and relationships, I found out my cousin is getting a divorce.  His divorce is a complete shock to me.  He and his wife was like the perfect couple in my eyes.  Both were attractive, both made more than $100,000 a year and both have been together since high school.  From the information my parents told me, it seems like they are arguing over some petty crap.  It seems like his wife has become more and more demanding without putting in the effort to change herself even though my cousin wanted to change and talk about it.  It feels like his wife is holding one hell of a grudge, and my cousin stated that if they do go forward with divorce proceedings, there's no going back even if she wants to.  Both of them are starting to build on each other's hatred and it's starting to spiral downwards.  Sounds familiar, sounds like what happened between me and Julie.  Either my cousin or his soon-to-be-ex-wife will regret this later on, I guarantee it.  We'll see how this goes.

Nothing special is happening at work.  Just meeting more employees.  Shook their hands with a firm handshake, smiled, and made appropriate eye contact.  Five years of social and psychological self training is paying off.

On another note, I have been checking on my old blog.  Surprisingly, it still gets a dozen or so hits per week even though it ended nearly three years ago.  There were two iPhone views on Friday with no associated post or keywords, meaning whoever that is knows of my blog directly.  Weird, wonder who that is.  I looked back at one of the pics I posted in my second to last post:

This is where Julie and I lived during our first year at UCSD.  I lived on one end of the hallway in room 501, she lived in the opposite end in room 510.  It's kind of symbolic.  We lived in the opposite ends of the same hall, she was an ENFP and I'm an INTJ, the exact opposites of one another.  Like light and dark, like yin and yang, drawn to each other only to repel away.

I wish I was more forthcoming with my emotions back then, maybe things would have ended differently.  Hell, I would drive down to Los Angeles to be with her if she asked me to.

New Intern, Interaction With Co-Workers

So my group got a new intern today.  After my supervisor left, it left us a gaping hole in our manpower so I have been tasked to manage her.  Wat.  I guess this should be a test of my diplomatic and leadership skills though I really hope I don't fuck things up.  Interacting with her has been decent though I'm still on my tiptoes about it.  Hopefully, she won't have to rely on me that much.

Interactions with coworkers, including interns, have been increasingly better.  More and more managers and employees are starting to recognize and greet me, and even talk to me.  I converse the best I can and of course, put on a smile and such.  Still, every now and then my "mask" falls apart and I have to remind myself by standing in front of a mirror in the bathroom.  The hard work I put in the last couple of years might be starting to pay off.

Coming To Terms About Julie, A Lifetime In A Second

Though I have wrote that it was time to move on, thoughts of Julie still linger on my mind.  I have often thought about what would have happened if I had turned around that day near OVT when she  yelled if I wanted to get some ice cream with her.  What would have happened?  Would she and I be a couple?  Would we have lasted after graduation?  To be absolutely honest with myself, even the greatest optimist inside me would say no, we wouldn't have.  I had no intention of moving to Los Angeles, where she lived, and I doubt she would have moved to the Bay Area either.  At the time I didn't have a car, a job or money that I could spare, not to mention that I was a passive aggressive idiot.  At the time, I couldn't have been the man she desired or deserved.  If we had met in our late 20s or early 30s, it might have been different, but at the time it wouldn't have worked out, and as much as it pains me to say it, she made the right choice that night to reject me.  I would have made the same choice.  It was logical, it was rational, it was the correct decision, and I applaud her for it.  I just hope that douchebag she chose is right for her.  I just hope she's happy.

Looking back at my old blog and this one, seeing how many times I wrote about Julie, I can see how she would freak out and misinterpret it.  Hell, anyone else would say I'm insane and honestly I would too.  How can I care and be so upset about a person who I met five and a half years ago, who I only knew for three years, who rejected me two and half years ago?  That's because to me, six years ago is merely yesterday.  To have such a vivid memory, everything seems like it just happened.  I still remember when Julie made stir fry for me when I came over to her dorm.  I still remember when I offered her medicine when she had a cold.  I still remember when she tapped on my shoulder and asked me in Mandarin about my family and where I was from.  Remembering all these events is making me tear up.  How can I forget and move on when I can live a lifetime in one second?  That day when she yelled if I wanted to get some ice cream with her, that day never ended for me neither did that night when she and I stood and looked at each other for five seconds.  It will never end for me, but for her it ended two and a half years ago, but I still don't know why she was snooping on my blog a year and a half ago and it'll probably be never answered.  I just hope she lives a good life.

Writing all of this was painful, but on a less depressing note I have recalculated my total income for this tax year.  It wasn't $48,000 as I thought, but rather around $53,000.  Hilarious, absolutely hilarious.  Back at UCSD, I didn't have a car, a job or money, but I could have gotten the girl.  Now that I have a car, a job, and money, I'm yearning for a woman who wants nothing to do with me.  The universe truly has a fantastic sense of humor.

You're Leaving?!

So my supervisor quit today.  Apparently she bought a house in some city that's too far away and put in her two weeks notice at the beginning of the year.  Shit, I didn't even know about it until today, apparently everyone else did.  I'm always in the dark about these things.  Our little accounting group of eight people were taken to this fancy restaurant for lunch by the tax director to celebrate my supervisor's time there.  The eight of us sat at the table and talked and laughed a bit and ate the overpriced food.  Of course, I was pretty much the most silent one.  If the other intern wasn't there, it would have been extremely awkward.  Sitting there, listening to them talk, and laugh was pretty weird, it almost felt like we're family.  Really creepy.  Despite being forced into a social situation I was unfamiliar with, I did quite well.  I did converse with the other intern a bit and we all left the restaurant afterwards and took a group photo.  Weird, really weird, I feel more comfortable with people I work with than with peers in social settings.  After we came back from the restaurant, I wrote a goodbye email thanking her for hiring me and such.  I'm horrible at saying goodbyes, but it was the least I can do.

I think the employees there are starting to warm up to me.  More and more people are starting to recognize me and at least say hello and such.  Aside from a few who I have freaked out, interactions with others are getting better.

Time To Let Old Ghosts Rest

It's been nearly a month since I looked at Julie's profile on Linkedin.  Initially I thought it was a mistake, but it wasn't.  It forced me to look back and reflect on all the actions I have taken and all the emotions I felt.  I let my own emotions get the better of me and in the end it cost me the chance at a relationship with her a long time ago.  My actions later on cost me second chances over and over again.  I wanted to blame others, I wanted to blame her, but I can't, it's my own fault.  I have wrote all I ever wanted to write.  I have laid bare all emotions that I have felt.  Aside from the eyes of a few strangers from across the world, no one will ever read what I have written.  It's time to let old ghosts rest.  It's time to move on.

Note to self:  Never bottle up emotions.  Communications is key to good relations with anyone.  Be more outgoing.  Be more understanding and forgiving of others.  Be more forthcoming with positive emotions.  Never pussyfoot around with expressing how you feel for another.  Expressing affection must be done in person, face to face.  Opportunities only come once, don't squander it.  Be a better man.

To Better Oneself For Others

Writing the previous post helped alleviate my mind a bit about Julie.  The last couple of weeks, the thoughts about her started to affect my performance at work.  Thinking about her and the cycles that repeat throughout my life made me realize there is always one girl in every cycle that drives me to become a better person.

In the first cycle was Rosalyn.  She was literally the most popular girl in my high school.  I met her in my 9th grade gym class and for some reason she liked me.  Every time I passed by her, she would smile at me and wink.  Her bitchy friend would keep pushing her towards me.  Trying to impress her, I pushed myself physically harder than I had before.  Chest, shoulders, abs, arms, legs, I worked every part of my body to be as muscular I can be.

In the second cycle was Katherine.  She was absolutely brilliant.  She was ambitious, driven, and had the intellect to support it.  I met her while volunteering at a hospital during my last year in community college.  Talking to her made me realize how amazingly intelligent she is and how dumb I was.  It compelled me to better myself intellectually in arts, sciences, languages, technologies, and cultures.

In the third and previous cycle was Julie.  She's one of the most amazing and social people I have ever met.  I remember seeing how she would talk with people left and right at a party we were at during our first quarter at UCSD.  Watching her converse and befriend others so quickly was like watching a ballerina gracefully dance on stage.  After that day when she told her roommate Sandie that she didn't really like me after my off-putting responses, I realized that I was not as social or conversational as I could be so I pushed myself to be more outgoing.  I spent two years at UCSD constantly changing myself, documenting the process in my old blog, hoping to show her that I can change.  Hell, Julie was the reason I started this blog/project in the first place.  In the end when I had another chance to be with her, I showed it to her hoping that she saw that I didn't walk away from her and what I was trying to do.  But she turned around and acted like she never felt anything for me...

All was not lost though, every cycle that has passed has inspired me to become a better person.  The physique I gained while trying to impress Rosalyn helped catch the attention of Katherine and Julie later on.  The intellectual improvements I made while trying to impress Katherine made me more intelligent and creative than my former roommates or their friends.  I remember doing...something that stunned and impressed Julie and my roommates though I don't truly remember what (so much for my freakishly good memory.)  I also used to draw on the concrete wall in my dorm using chalk.  Though Julie didn't see my drawings, it did quite impress a female friend of my roommates so much so that she started yelling "Oh my god, that's amazing!  Who drew that?"  My roommates had to begrudgingly tell her that I did.  Heh.  My interaction with the other intern at my job at the tech company is evidence that I am improving every cycle.  Though my relations with her is purely platonic and professional in nature, I have managed to make her laugh multiple times and I have impressed her with my knowledge of various countries, currencies, and languages.  Socializing with her and a few other employees is easier due to the improvements I was making for Julie.

What will the next cycle cause me to improve?  Will it be compassion?  Will it be passion and romance?  Will it be courage?  Improving myself for the future is great and all, but I still wish Julie would have understood what I was trying to do back then.

Dear Julie

Last year, technically the year before last in 2013 (time sure passes by quickly...), for some reason Julie read through my blog even though we have already graduated from UCSD for a year.  At the time I let my pride decide to not address her, to ignore her.  I could have sent a message to her, but decided not to.  Ever since then, every couple of months, I thought about what I would have said to her.  I imagined it as one of bitterness or one of snark, but it shouldn't be.  It should have been one of apologies, it should have been one of regret.  I don't know if this would help, but maybe writing this would clear my mind.

Hello Julie,

   There is so much I want to say, so much that should have been said.  I'm sorry for being such a jerk.  I wish things would have worked out differently between us.  I wish I hadn't lashed out at you back then, I should have been more understanding. Back in Fall 2009 when you told Sandie that you didn't really like me, I was initially hurt and upset.  Overtime, I slowly understood why you said what you said.  Though you may not remember, I remember what lead up to you saying it.  That day, early in the morning when you saw me, you asked if I was still sleepy and I responded with a terse yes.  Later on, when you gave me all the pepperoni on your slice of pizza (still remember you're a vegetarian) I gave a terse thanks in response.  Those were crappy off-putting responses.  At the time, I thought you were just like my roommates, screwing me over, but in time I understood you weren't.  I still remember that night when I lashed out at you.  When you got off the bus and saw me, I didn't smile or wave even though you lingered a bit and started walking back to the Village Tower upset.  I should have apologized back then.  When you gave me a second chance that day near OVT, I should have been more attentive when you yelled if I wanted to get some ice cream with you.  When we bumped into each other again a month before graduation, we stood still and looked at each other for five seconds, I stood frozen and should have said something then.  In my mad rush to show you that I still had feelings for you, that I was trying to change myself, that I didn't walk away from you that day at OVT so I showed you my blog.  I don't know what happened, but you had a change of heart.  For so long I was bitter and upset, but I shouldn't be.  I had my chance, and many chances before and after, but never took it.  I wish things would have worked out differently.

Writing this was...difficult, I was a lot more emotional than I thought I would be.  Whether this helps me to move on or not, I'm not sure, but to finally put into words what have dwelled in my mind for so long is a release from such a heavy burden.  I wish I had written it back then, I wish I had sent it to her back then, I just wish she knew.