Decisions, Old Face, Eye Contact

I saw another person who I knew in the past again.  His name is Lester, a Hispanic guy who was with me in high school.  He was a class clown and absolutely hilarious, but was a major trouble maker.  I bumped into him when I was walking down a stairway and said nothing.  Seeing all these people again is simply depressing.  It's like the last three years I spent at UCSD simply folded in on itself and disappeared from history, it's like I'm reliving my past.

I'm still deciding whether to go to SF state or not.  Since I'm a conditional applicant, they expect me to take all the prerequisite classes and pass all of them with at least a B.  Seriously now, that's just insane.  I'm having second thoughts, and I'm starting to think accounting may be better.  Fuck my life.

On another note, I've been reading the intjforum.com and came across a thread about eye contact.  It seems like it's split even between maintaining eye contact and avoiding it.  Some said it was too intense, some said it was too intimate.  After what I've gone through at UCSD, I agree that it is sometimes too intense.  However, some of them said they only make eye contact with people they respect.  Seriously?  That's a douchey thing to do.  I shouldn't be like them, I don't want to be like them.

Note to self:  Make eye contact with everyone.

Congratulations, You Have Been Admitted...

I found out last night that I got accepted into SFSU's masters of computer science program.  Awesome, I guess.  However, I'm not sure if I want to go there.  Yes, it's great that I got accepted, but I feel that if I go to SF state and spend the next 2 to 3 years living at home, my social skills will deteriorate.  At the same time,  I could save a lot of money by living at home and be able to do internships within San Francisco.  They gave me a month to decide whether to accept admission or not so I'll still have time to decide.  I hope to hear from San Jose State soon.

Aside from this bright spot in my life, I've been losing more and more interest in doing things.  I used to keep playing Civilization V a lot, hell I got 1600 hours logged in, but I've been losing more and more interest.  I build a couple of cities then just quit from the game.  I've been losing interest in absolutely everything.  I think it's one of the first symptoms of depression, but I don't know how to stop it.

Echoes From The Past, Mentally Overwhelmed

I've been checking who's been reading my blogs lately and it seems like several people from the past popped up.  One is Julia Popova, the blonde who she and I shared a mutual attraction.  Another is Julie Tu, another girl who I could have been with but I fucked it up in the end, as usual.  Nothing more than distant memories from a bygone time of my life.

On another note, I think I'm slowly losing my mind. When I was at UCSD, I was seeing a psychologist to deal with my social anxiety and I asked him to test me for any signs of mental illness.  My mind was so overwhelmed with thoughts, variables, probabilities and scenarios, that it became extremely difficult to think. I thought I was suffering from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or some sort of mental illness.  After a long questionnaire and an interpretation, my psychologist said I didn't have any mental disorders.  I even became a research subject at the UCSD hospital to see if there's a physiological explanation.  I subjected myself to EEGs and MRIs, but they also found nothing.  I was normal.  But still, even now, my mind is slowly being overwhelmed.  It's like I can see every variation of an event at once.  It's like a million thoughts trying to come out simultaneously.  It's tiresome, I can't deal with this anymore.

Life and The Economy

More economic news have been popping up in the last few weeks.  Crappy as usual.  From what I gathered, it seems like more and more news of how people my age are getting screwed over.  There is no good news in sight.  People my age will the first to be less wealthy than the previous generation.  People my age will be fighting for scraps as full time jobs with benefits become rarer and rarer.  And of course, the very concept of retirement is nothing but a fading memory.  Great stuff.

I've become more and more depressed about my future.  It's not just the economic outlook that worries but it's also my interpersonal relationships that I'm depressed about.  When I was at UCSD, I was trying to change myself to become more outgoing, but since graduating it has grind to a halt.  I've isolated myself more and more and I honestly don't see a change in my future in regards to my social situation.  I'm just so tired of it all, of everything. 

I Need To Get Out Of Here

I need to get out of here.  I need to get away from my house.  My applications to grad school is currently reviewed.  I hope I get into one because being in my house is driving me insane.  I need to get away.

Fear Of Being Close To Another

Throughout the last three years, I've been working to become more outgoing and to get closer to women.  I've always suffered from social anxiety and because of it, I simply can't get close to people.  When I was at UCSD, I had so many chances at a relationship but never took the chance because I was so afraid.  One girl after another, each one absolutely stunning and beautiful, who were interested in me, left because they thought I wasn't interested in them.  I was but I was too much of a coward to express it.  Sigh.

One of those girls was Julia Popova.  Blonde, 5 foot 2, econ major, accounting minor, and Delta Gamma sorority.  She was absolutely stunning and I had no idea why she was attracted to me.  She kept trying to get my attention but due to a communications mishap I thought she hated my guts, but later on realized she was attracted to me.  I thought she and I had nothing in common, until one week during the winter 2011 quarter, that we both found out that we both majored in econ and minored in accounting.  I tried to ask her out on Valentine's day, I even bought her a card and a teddy bear, but I fucked up again and couldn't do it.  I wish I did.  She pretty much hated my guts after that.  Sigh, I hate my life.  I really need to get rid of this anxiety, otherwise a chance with someone as stunning as Julia will pass by again.

Note to self:  Don't let another Julia go by again.

Applications

I've been sending one application after another to various grad schools.  Hopefully I'll get accepted.  The thought of being stuck with only an economics degree with no job prospects is absolutely frightening.  The economy is getting worse and bachelors degrees are no longer considered special.  I have to get a masters or otherwise I'll be stuck.