Devourer

Several years ago I started watching the show Dexter and found myself relating more and more to him.  Aside from his whole murdering people left and right thing, I found myself to be very similar to him.  Like him, I can't relate to others easily and I can't understand how others feel.  I try time and time again to create this mask that I can hide behind so that I can blend in with others around me.  At one point I even thought I was an undiagnosed sociopath or psychopath, but after a series of questions with my UCSD psychologist, it pretty much shot that idea down.

I recently caught up to last week's episode and I once again found myself relating to him.  He realized that he is a consumer, he consumes and destroys everyone and every relationship around him.  I am the same.  I'm a devourer and I end up destroying every relationship and every person around me.  In the past three to four years, I can count on one hand the amount of close relations I had that didn't crash and burn.  I hope I can stop this.  I hope I can maintain decent relationships in the future.

Note to self:  Maintain good relations with everyone.

The Economy

Nothing happening much lately.  It's my last week of summer work and my ability to talk to others is increasing slightly.  What troubles me now is how the economy is going.

More and more economic news are coming out and things are not good.  Four years ago, before I went to UCSD, I hoped that by the time I graduated the economy would be a lot better.  Even though the country as a whole has improved slightly with unemployment rate going down from the mid-nine percent to 7.6%, things are not improving.  They are either holding steady or getting worst.  Countries throughout Europe such as Spain and Greece are experiencing unemployment levels equal to that of the Great Depression and is projected to go up even further.  It's safe to say that a large portion of Europe is pretty much screwed.

Here in the U.S. things are getting slightly better, but not fast enough.  Unemployment actually went back up to 7.6% from 7.4% two months ago.  The amount of full time jobs actually decreased while the amount of part time jobs increased.  Even then people can't be sure if those part time jobs are going to different individuals rather than someone who is picking up another part time job.  Things are getting bad.  My gut intuition regarding the economy have been proven right before and if I'm right again, then people are very, very screwed.  I hope my decision to go to graduate school isn't going to be a fruitless endeavor.

Susan

Seven years ago, during the day of my high school graduation, I accidentally hurt a friend.  Her name is Susan.  During the day of our graduation, I was talking to some one and when I turned, she popped out of nowhere and smiled and waved at me.  Of course, being the socially awkward dumbass that I am, I freaked out and immediately dipped my head down.  It hurt her, she was upset.  I wanted to apologize that day, but I couldn't find her.  About a year later, I saw her at a bus stop outside of CCSF.  She looked at me and I looked at her, and she got on the bus.  I so wanted to apologize to her back then, but never did.  It's been years since then, but I haven't stopped thinking about her and what I did.  It's been eating me from the inside out for the last couple of months.  I found her facebook page about a year ago and I thought about messaging her to explain and apologize for what I did.  Should I though?  It's been seven years, should I inject myself back into someone's life even though they don't want to see me?

I'm sorry Susan, I wish you would know.

Telephone Etiquette, Person To Person Etiquette

I've been on the job for three weeks already for my community college.  It's not much, it's just me sitting there surfing the net and answering the telephone from time to time.  Though I was initially hesitant to take this job because I have to deal with people over the phone, I've gotten quite good at it.  My ability to converse with others over the phone is getting better and better.  Maybe a bit longer at this job will help me sound normal to others over the phone.

Interacting with people on a face to face basis on the other hand is still stalled.  Just today, one of the cashiers at a small snack shop asked how I'm doing in a different way than usual and I simply froze up.  I glitched up again.  I still need more practice talking to people face to face on a more casual, non-business, non-professional manner.  I wish I didn't screwed up so bad.

A Glimpse Into The Future

It's been a couple of days into my work at CCSF.  Not much to do except sit around and surf the internet.  I did screw up some times though when answering the telephone but I'm getting better at it and I'm becoming more outgoing.  Good I guess.

I've been surfing the internet and visiting reddit more and more, specifically on the morbidreality subreddit.  Not exactly the healthiest of habits.  One of the things I found was this:

http://www.reddit.com/r/MorbidReality/comments/1hbcyr/been_living_as_a_shut_in_since_1999_forum_post/

It was a post about people with such a high level of social anxiety that they cannot leave their house and barely have a functional life. They're already in their 30s and they are still living with their parents and cannot move beyond what they know.  Absolutely frightening, it is the future I envisioned myself in when I was at UCSD.  It is the reason why I started my program and my previous blog three years ago.  Though my condition is not as bad as theirs, my future still might converge with theirs'.  I need to keep pushing forward and not end up like that.  I hope I can succeed, and I hope they get the help they need.