Another Year, Another Beginning

It's new years eve.  Neither me nor my folks are planning anything special tonight.  To us, it's just another night.

There's not much to write about in the last week or so, hell, there's not much to write about throughout this blog, don't even know why I started it.  The last few days, I've been helping a friend I met at UCSD prepare for grad school applications and helping him correct his personal statement.  It felt good to hear from him again.  Like him, I'm going to be applying to grad school soon so I should prepare.  Anyways, it's a new year, a new beginning, hopefully I get into the schools I want to.

Note to self:  Lose weight, do better.

Working With Another Introvert

The fall semester at CCSF is now over  I passed my classes with all A's, I believe.  There isn't much that I can write about since I didn't have much social interaction this semester.  It'll probably be the same next semester since I'm doing mostly online classes.  There was something notable in past few months however.

At the end of the semester of my Java class, we had to group up in order to do a project and I was assigned to a group with another guy and one girl.  The guy was apathetic and didn't really say much so me and the girl did most of the talking.  When the professor came by, the girl asked the professor if she could work alone since she was an introvert and felt more comfortable working alone.  I wasn't offended, guessing that's my psychological reprogramming working, because I realized she was telling the truth.  The whole time I was  talking to her, her body language, eye movement etc.  were signs of anxiety.  Talking to her was like looking at a mirror image of myself.  It was both stunning and confounding at the same time.  Despite her hesitation, we managed to get our work done.  I managed to get a 100 on the individual portion of our project.

Note to self:  Keep practicing social skills.

Depression

I'm suffering from depression.  Ever since graduating from UCSD, I've been slowly slipping further and further into depression.  It took hold bit by bit until it held on and didn't let go.  I've gained back all the weight I lost during my three years at UCSD and I'm simply unmotivated to lose it.

Despite my depression, I'm still doing well in my classes and every now and then, there's something that brings a little joy into my life.  About a week ago, UC Riverside created an account graduate school account for me to help fast track my application in applying.  I hope I get accepted.

Slipping Up Socially

My psychological reprogramming is starting to slip up.  Even around my family, I'm starting to slip up socially.  It's becoming more and more hopeless.  I keep looking at at my life, wondering where it's going, but it's looks more and more like I'm going nowhere.

When I was 16 years old, I analyzed what my future was going be like.  Using variables such as personality, wealth, occupation, physique, etc.  I found that I was most likely going to end up alone for the rest of my life.  I broke down and cried afterwards.  Ever since then, I've been fighting nonstop to better myself, but over the years it's becoming more and more difficult.  I've become more and more detached from the rest of the world to the point where even a simple conversation with another person is difficult.  Hell, not just simple conversations, even something as basic as knowing when to smile and when to laugh have become alien to me.  I wish I wasn't such a social fuck up.

I must keep socializing, I must keep pushing forward.

THAT Guy

Several days ago, I came across a thread on Reddit asking what was everyone's greatest fears.  Many of the people there responded with the fear of dying, dying in a horrible way or dying alone.  I have the same fear too.  The fear of dying alone is like a shadow that haunts me, forever in the back of my mind.

One post in that thread struck a chord with me.  One poster stated that he was slowly becoming THAT guy, the guy who has few friends, the guy who hasn't been in a relationship in a long time, the guy that simply wants to be alone.  I am that guy.  I don't want to be that guy, I need to keep changing myself to adapt so I won't end up alone.  I need to keep moving.

Note to self:  Keep improving yourself, don't be complacent.

Haunted By The Past

I'm haunted by my past.  Throughout the last three years when I was at UCSD, I screwed up so many times socially, I simply can't forget it.  It's eating away at me, knowing that I screwed up and could have done better at the time.  One event that I can't forget is one of my interactions with this girl named Racquel.

Racquel and I met during the 2011 summer quarter.  Both of us lived in same building and after bumping into each other several times, we started talking a bit.  She was extremely nice to me, but like most relations, I managed to screw it up causing it to crash and burn.  When I was at the village market, getting ready to go home for winter break, I bumped into Racquel.  She wished me a safe trip home.  I nodded and immediately went to get a soda.  When I looked back up at her, she looked upset and said goodbye and left.  I said goodbye to her too and though confused, thought nothing of it.

I saw her again the next quarter and waved to her, and tried to speak to her.  She waved back and only answered one question and immediately left.  I thought it was odd and went on my way.  I never saw her again after that.  I didn't realize I made her upset until one of my self-reflections about a month later.  Ever since then I've been wracked with guilt over making her upset.  My mind keeps replaying that event over and over again, and I keep saying "I'm sorry Racquel" hoping that it would ease my conscience somehow.  It won't, it never will.  I wish I could see her again and to apologize to her, explaining that I never meant to make her upset.  I wish I didn't screw up so bad.

Where ever you are Racquel, I'm sorry.

CPA, GRE, Professional life

Several days ago, I got an email stating that my application to take the CPA exam was approved.  This was after a few months of waiting only to find out I was denied because the registrar at UCSD didn't put my degree I earned on my transcript.  Great stuff there, lost $20 that way.  But still, it's a done deal and now I'll have to study for the CPA and complete all of it within a year.  No pressure eh?

I'm also planning to take the GRE next month and start to prepare to apply to grad school.  Also, a couple of weeks ago, my dad met one of the managers at an accounting firm when he was fixing up some stuff for her. Apparently they're looking for accountants and told me to apply next year.

I guess this is it, this marks the beginning of my professional life.  CPA, GRE, AIG, MBA, accounting firms, grad school, all of it is coming so fast.  Life has passed by too fast.

Settling Down and Where I'm Heading

I don't know where I'm going with my life.

I'm doing well in my classes right now, preparing to apply to grad school in around January, but I have to honestly ask myself what's next after grad school.  I still don't know what should happen next.  The psychological reprogramming I did when I was in UCSD, which was documented in my previous blog, is holding out well, but every now and then I would glitch up a bit.  Despite my reprogramming, I still haven't gotten close to anyone, much less any girl I want to spend time with.  The constant thought of being alone for the rest of my life dwelling in the back of my mind is slowly eating away at me.

The fear of being alone for the rest of my life has made me contemplate another question, should I just simply "settle"?  Meaning, should I settle with someone even though I'm not 100% happy being with them?  I started asking myself this when I bumped into Phoebe at a Costco in South San Francisco.  Phoebe was this girl who I met back at UCSD, and she was using me over and over again to help herself.  Even though I was getting pissed for being used, a part of me was happy to be with someone.  Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and told her to screw off.  When I saw her, I didn't say anything and kept on going.

Should I simply settle?  The divorce rate in the U.S. is about 54% for a reason and the fear of being alone is one of them.  I don't want to wake up one day to realize I wasted a good part of my life, spending time with the wrong person, only to watch it slowly deteriorate and end up divorcing.  Or maybe I can eventually delude myself into believing that's the person I want to be with and eventually reprogram myself to enjoy their company.  I don't know what to do.

MBA

Several months ago, I found out I got accepted into University of the Pacific's MBA program.  I don't know how I got in, but I was somewhat happy.  I don't know whether to accept or not since I don't really see the value of a MBA aside from going into management, not exactly something I want to do.  I still hope to get a master's in either accounting or computer science, I hope I'll get accepted.

On another note, for some reason AIG pinged my Bloomberg assessment test account and posted up some jobs.  Odd.

Old Faces In Familiar Places

Having been at CCSF for the last 4 months has been mind numbing.  There hasn't been much social interactions for me aside from talking with cashiers and such.  My body language and behavior is socially acceptable though I did trip up from time to time. Otherwise, the days just keep zooming by like one big blur.

There is one thing I found odd though.  In the last few months, I keep on seeing people I've met in past at CCSF.  One guy is named Steven, and I remember him from back in high school.  We don't know each other personally, but he was considered a class clown back in one of my high school classes.  I walked past him one day and didn't see him again.  There was another person I recognized at CCSF and I bumped into her several times on campus.  I don't know her name but she was in my Chinese class back in high school.

There are two other more significant people who I've bumped into.

One is Largo Luong.  He and I were friends a long, long time ago back when I was still a freshmen in highschool.  He and I met in summer school.  He was hilarious back then but now he's completely different.  He's super thin now and has a major receding hairline.  Also, strangely, it seems like he has some sort of speech impediment.  Really weird seeing him like this.  He doesn't recognize me and I didn't recognize him at first until the professor called his name, and then everything clicked into place.  Wonder what happened to him throughout the last six years.

Another person of significance is Christina M. Han.  The craziest thing about her is that she and I have been side by side this whole time but never knew it.  She and I went to the same middle school together and I remember being assigned the seat next to her in gym class, and she and I had the same English class together.  At the time she also had a crush on my friend Kevin Kwong.  In high school, we didn't have the same classes but we both had the same friend, Brian Hooang.  She would constantly ask him for bubble gum.  After graduating from high school, we both went to CCSF.  I remember taking bus everyday and always seeing her standing just a couple of feet away.  After a couple months, she disappeared, and while I took note, I thought nothing of it.

Then she pops back up again at UCSD.  When I was still dealing with my social anxiety in my previous blog, I finally made a facebook account and started searching for people I knew in the past.  For some reason her name popped up and I decided to check out her profile.  It turns out she was at UCSD the entire time, majoring in creative writing and working at the Sunshine Market.  Again, I brushed it off and thought it was cool.  I then saw her a month ago out on the street when I was going to CCSF.  A few weeks later I saw her again, this time at CCSF, with her walking to class.  Both of us back here again.  What a coincidence.  Huh.

UPS girl

It's been well into a month of the fall semester here at CCSF.  I'm currently taking five courses, most of them in computer science, hoping to get letters of recommendation for computer science graduate school.  I'm slowly being overwhelmed but I think I'll manage it.

Not much has happened in the three months since I graduated.  I helped my dad paint a client's house over the summer and visited a shopping center that was nearby.  My parents and I have been visiting more and more places, which is nice, since I get to practice my social skills with new people that way.

About two months ago, I needed to send a package at an UPS store at the shopping center.  I went in and immediately asked the girl at the counter whether I can use the packaging tape or not, without saying hello.  Stupid of me.  The girl wasn't offended and was very helpful.  It was nice of her.  I wish I was more polite about it though.

Summer, Australian Guy

Summer's been over for about a couple of weeks now and even though I just graduated a two months ago, I didn't waste any time jumping back into the academic world.

I didn't waste my summer, not entirely anyway.  I immediately signed up for classes at San Francisco's city college and took Introduction to programming in Java.  The class was boring and was pretty easy.  There wasn't much opportunities for me to socialize and practice my social skills.  Though there was one notable event that happened.  When I was taking the midterm, I was sniffling a lot due to the cold weather and an Australian guy next to me was annoyed by it and asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom to take care of it.  I answered uh, no and did the midterm.  The next day he apologized for being slightly rude about it and I said it's okay.  Odd, normally I would be annoyed by it.  In my previous blog, I had to deal with idiots left and right, and their actions dwell on my mind for days, yet I felt nothing about this guy.  I guess my psychological programming in the last two years is working.

First Post and Two Months and Counting

It's been two months since I graduated from UCSD with a degree in economics and I have been slowly adjusting to life back home in San Francisco.

Two years ago, while I was at UC San Diego, I started a project that would help me in dealing with my social anxiety and my social awkwardness by keeping a log and analyzing my social interactions around campus.  I kept a log of my social interactions with various people across campus in INTJ@UCSD, intjucsd.blogspot.com.  In the end I felt that I have made significant progress in dealing with my social anxiety.  I was no longer afraid of talking to others, going to new places or experiencing new things, but every now and then I would trip up and do something stupid or give off the wrong body language.  I still feel that I have some work to do in order to finally cure my social anxiety.  This blog will be a continuation of that project.

Before I begin again, I want to once again thank Terra Bailey, Resident Dean of UCSD's village transfer housing, and Dr. Jeffery Poizner, Post doc fellow at UCSD CAPS.  Both of them were a tremendous help to me during my time at UCSD.