I don't know where I'm going with my life.
I'm doing well in my classes right now, preparing to apply to grad school in around January, but I have to honestly ask myself what's next after grad school. I still don't know what should happen next. The psychological reprogramming I did when I was in UCSD, which was documented in my previous blog, is holding out well, but every now and then I would glitch up a bit. Despite my reprogramming, I still haven't gotten close to anyone, much less any girl I want to spend time with. The constant thought of being alone for the rest of my life dwelling in the back of my mind is slowly eating away at me.
The fear of being alone for the rest of my life has made me contemplate another question, should I just simply "settle"? Meaning, should I settle with someone even though I'm not 100% happy being with them? I started asking myself this when I bumped into Phoebe at a Costco in South San Francisco. Phoebe was this girl who I met back at UCSD, and she was using me over and over again to help herself. Even though I was getting pissed for being used, a part of me was happy to be with someone. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and told her to screw off. When I saw her, I didn't say anything and kept on going.
Should I simply settle? The divorce rate in the U.S. is about 54% for a reason and the fear of being alone is one of them. I don't want to wake up one day to realize I wasted a good part of my life, spending time with the wrong person, only to watch it slowly deteriorate and end up divorcing. Or maybe I can eventually delude myself into believing that's the person I want to be with and eventually reprogram myself to enjoy their company. I don't know what to do.
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