I Remember You, Regressing, Julie

Ever since graduating, the last two years have been weird.  Over and over again, I keep seeing people I have met in high school and middle school, and I'm not hallucinating either.  No doubt that it's probable that they would show up around San Francisco, but seeing so many of them is just strange.  Even weirder are people who recognize me, but I have no idea who they are.  Several days ago, I dropped off a package at an UPS store and the girl working there said she remembers me from high school, yet I have no idea who she is.  I have no recollection of talking to her or even being in the same classes as her.  Back at UCSD, there were people who kept coming up to me saying that they lived next door to me or remember me from a year ago and such.  Am I really that oblivious to the world around me?  Am I really that memorable?  I'm not sure if I should be glad or freaked out about this.

After reviewing my interviews again, I realized I'm starting to regress again.  All my little advancements in being social, becoming more "people friendly" and such are going backwards.  Just yesterday, a job I applied to contacted me and wanted me to come in for an interview, but I made some bs excuse and turned it down.  Part of me felt that it was useless, but another part of me actually felt afraid.  It was something that I haven't felt in the last few years.  I guess my social anxiety and anxiety in general is starting to creep in again.  Not surprising really, I've been cooped up in my home the last couple of months and it seriously hampered my ability to socialize.  I need to keep fighting it.

On another note, I've been having dreams about Julie lately.  Don't know why I would, I've gotten over her a month after I graduated and quite honestly I don't miss her, but she keeps popping up every couple of nights.  Dreams about the conversations we had, how she would come over to dorm room to see me etc.  The one that keeps popping up the most was when she told her roommate that she didn't really like me.  I guess it made a lasting impression and my subconscious is still trying to deal with it.

Note to self:  Keep fighting social anxiety.

Frustration

I'm getting more and more frustrated as time goes on.  A long time ago when I was at UCSD, I decided check on the progress of people I have met in the past.  Everybody is moving on with their lives, they're working on their careers, getting promotions, even starting families, but here I am doing absolutely nothing.  It's absolutely frustrating.  Reviewing my interviews over and over again has me kicking myself.  So many times I fucked it up.  I can't believe my shitty personality is now costing me the ability to get a job/internship.  I should have dealt with fixing my personality years ago even before arriving at UCSD, but I kept putting it off again and again.  Now I'm going to grad school when I don't really want to.  A long time ago, I wrote about being afraid of being alone and over-educated, but now it looks more and more like it's going to be my future  I am afraid of what's to come.

Several weeks ago, researchers found that interviews tend to favor extroverted narcissists.  I guess I have to become one to get a job.  Several new opportunities and internship popped up and I'll be applying.  Whether it's more opportunities to succeed is questionable.

Review, Fake Personality

My dad bumped into the client who worked at the large tech corporation several days ago.  He asked her why wasn't I chosen as an intern and she said it was because the managers said I didn't talk enough.  Great, just great.  I actually thought my interview with the the three managers was decent, but apparently they were expecting more.  Looking back at the few interviews I had, I sound like an absolute idiot.  Regional audit manager ask me what are my hobbies and I respond with that I take hikes around Golden Gate Park.  Seriously, what the hell was I smoking?  My body may have not reacted poorly to being interviewed, but my mind sure froze up.  Interview for the student payroll position, the manager asked me if I would be interested in learning the payroll system and I responded with "if I found it interesting, I definitely would."  Facepalm.  I should have responded with "yes definitely, I'm always interested in learning new things."  The interview with the economics company was so messed up, I don't even know where to begin.  I really need to work on my personality.  I need to create a fake one that others can relate to.

My test results for the audit associate came back and I failed it by a few points.  I can't believe it.  The test wasn't even math heavy and was more focused on customer service.  This must be a sick, twisted joke by the universe where accounting exams are about interpersonal interactions.  Ugh.  At least another city job opened up.  I wonder how I'll do on that.