A Lost Message

Two months ago, I wrote about how I caught a girl named Julie, who I met at UCSD, was looking through my blog.  I first noticed that she was reading my blog around the beginning of April when she accessed my old blog and through it to this one.  I knew that she wouldn't be able to keep away when I mentioned her so I decided to write the "Julie Tu, I Left My Heart In San Diego" post.  I was right.  For the next few weeks, I noticed that she would check this blog again and again on that post to see if I would mention her. On May 7th, I received an email notification that I received a message from someone on Facebook.   Believing it to be her, I decided to ignore it but checked it three days later anyway.  When I checked it, there was nothing.  There wasn't any message.  Was it from her or from someone else?  Am I hoping it was from her leading me to believe it was her?  Or maybe I finally lost my mind and is imagining things.  Several weeks ago, she checked my blog one last time and was gone.  Maybe I should have responded...

There's No I In Team

I immediately got hired for one of the student jobs at my community college, but I lacked the documentation needed to immediately start working.  Aside from that, I realized that I lacked the necessary units to work during the summer.  Great.  I immediately signed up for two eight long classes that will help fill the lack of units and I just finished one of them today.

The class was eight hours long, a complete bore, filled with group activities and a movie.  The movie was nothing special, it was two hours long which helped pass the time quickly.  The group activities consisted of 3 to 4 people getting together and discussing the problems assigned to us.  I didn't have any trouble talking, contributing or introducing myself to others nor did I have any trouble talking about myself.  Good I guess, I used to be a nervous wreck when doing group activities.  As usual, the super talkative types did most of the talking while I sank into the background.  Even though it was a purely a keep-it-professional kind of thing, I was amazed at how quickly people became close with one another.  When noon came, the groups that worked together went out and ate lunch together. Seeing people bond so quickly is almost like magic to me. I don't understand how people can get so close so fast.  Even though I hoped to "decode" the pattern of how they do that, any opportunities are few and far between.

Note to self:  Be more outgoing and talkative.

One Year, Alone

It's officially been one year since I graduated from UCSD.  I still remember that day crystal clear.  I remember how I played pool the entire morning while people roamed the campus looking for their kids at graduation.  I still remember bumping into Jocelyn and talking to her, and I still remember how my roommates disappeared one by one.  One year has passed by so fast.  One blink and another year will have gone by.

Even though it's been a year, I have not been sitting still and doing nothing.  The objectives I set out a little bit more than a year ago in my previous blog is being accomplished.  I made the decision to go to San Jose State for computer science in the fall.  Right now I'm applying for jobs at my local community college.  I guess I would consider my path okay in regards to fulfilling professional goals. 

Accomplishing my personal goals, on the other hand, has been the complete opposite.  Over the last year, my drive to become a more social and outgoing person has completely stalled.  As noted in so many posts before, every now and then I would glitch up, making me unable to be socially "normal".  Initially I thought that by going to SJSU, I would be living on campus so that I'll have more chances of interacting with people.  My parents wanted to drive to school instead.  While it makes sense financially, it won't be socially beneficial.  Honestly, it doesn't matter, I have psychologically accepted that I might be alone for the rest of my life.  A part of me wants to be with someone, but every time a woman and I get close, I eventually end up pushing them away.  I still need to deal with that eventually, but I pretty much put that aside as a secondary objective.  I used to wish for a better next year, but what's the point really.

Note to self:  Push forward, get a great job.

Fear

Summer is here and I'm thinking about applying for a job at my local community college.  I don't know why, but a constant sense of dread keeps overcoming me when I think about applying.  I'm afraid and I don't know why.  In my last post, I wrote that my mind is constantly thinking about what can happen.  What if that is the source of my anxiety?  The constant fear of what might go wrong.  I realized I was paralyzed by analysis when I was at UCSD and I tried to change it with moderate success.  Perhaps my constant analysis is not what bogging me down, but rather the fear of what could go wrong.  If it is, I need to block it out and fix it.

On another note, the job market is still crappy.  A thread on reddit popped up regarding why some people couldn't jobs and what their majors was.  Though few, there were some computer science, finance and accounting people who couldn't find jobs. There were a few folks who earned a masters degree but have become too overqualified to get an entry level job.  I really hope that won't be me.

Note to self:  Don't think about the worst that could happen.

A Third Option

Last night, my parents suggested a third option for me.  Rather than live at a dorm at SJSU or going to SFSU, they suggested that I drive to SJSU on a daily basis.  I calculated that it'll take about an hour under optimal conditions.  It's doable, but the thought of me behind a hunk of 2000 pound metal going 60 miles a hour scares the hell out of me.  Being at UCSD for three years and not having a car, made me rusty behind the wheel.  I've lost count of how many times I nearly got into an accident because of my stupidity.  Still, it is a viable option and the most likely one I'll take.

One odd thing I noticed is that when my parents gave me the third option, my mind started racing and started running various scenarios.  Really odd, it's like my mind is on autopilot.  I'm starting to wonder if my constant thinking about what could happen is the source of my anxiety.