Failure

I've been preparing for grad school applications for the last few weeks and will go into full gear in February.  A part of me simply doesn't want to do it and to simply give up.  I can't, I must keep marching forward.

I'm a failure.  I see myself as one and I feel like one.  Ever since graduating from UCSD, I've been stuck in a rut in what to do next.  I did not make any long term friends at UCSD aside from one, and even then I feel like he sees me as a friend of convenience.  Wendy, my closest friend since middle school might be tired of me.  She calls on Skype often and from time to time, I didn't realize she called and didn't pick up.  She might be tired of me and I wouldn't blame her.  I shouldn't have contacted her, every relationship I've been in whether it be platonic or romantic, ends up crashing and burning.  It's no different with her.

Good luck Wendy.

Note to self:  Keep on marching forward.

Too Much Details

I noticed that I tend to give long winding answers to questions, which in turn annoys people who are asking me the question.  I realized this a long time ago and it still hasn't been fixed.  Great.

Note to self:  Be direct with answers.

My Best Years Are Behind Me, Alone

I've come to the realization that I'm all alone in this world.  Throughout the last ten years, suicide has been on the back of my mind, slowly growing, enveloping every thought that I had.  I've become more and more detached from the world and the people around me, even with family.  Now, I'm at a point where I'm pretty much all alone.  Though I hated being surrounded by morons when I was at UCSD, I enjoyed my time there.  I realize now that my time at UCSD was the best years of my life.  And now it's all gone.  I think it's time to die.

Letters of Recommendation

I've contacted three of my professors for letters of recommendation for masters in computer science and two  said yes!  Awesome, just enough to apply to grad school.  Guess I'll have to start writing my personal statement soon.  Hope I'll get accepted.

Another Old Face, Disappointment

Class at CCSF started again today and I saw another old face.  The guy's name is Isaac.  He and I don't know each other personally, but we were  in the same speech class four years ago.  Really odd seeing so many old faces in the last several months.

I took the GRE about four days and received scores of 158 out of 170 for both verbal and quantitative sections.  Not the best and I'm pretty disappointed in my own performance, but still what's done is done.

I also asked one of my computer science professor's at UCSD for a letter of recommendation and said she can't since she only writes recommendations for her tutors.  Disappointing, hopefully my professors at CCSF will accept.

My life is disappointing, I wish it would end.

GRE, Interview

I went with my dad to some interview thing today to help translate the interviewer for him.  I wasn't nervous and the interviewer didn't seem spooked by me so that's good.  Hopefully, I won't be nervous when it comes to an actual job interview.

On another note, I'm going to take the GRE in two days.  I'm not sure if I can do well on it.  Depression has taken hold on me for the last month or so.  I'm disappointed in myself.