Slipping Up Socially

My psychological reprogramming is starting to slip up.  Even around my family, I'm starting to slip up socially.  It's becoming more and more hopeless.  I keep looking at at my life, wondering where it's going, but it's looks more and more like I'm going nowhere.

When I was 16 years old, I analyzed what my future was going be like.  Using variables such as personality, wealth, occupation, physique, etc.  I found that I was most likely going to end up alone for the rest of my life.  I broke down and cried afterwards.  Ever since then, I've been fighting nonstop to better myself, but over the years it's becoming more and more difficult.  I've become more and more detached from the rest of the world to the point where even a simple conversation with another person is difficult.  Hell, not just simple conversations, even something as basic as knowing when to smile and when to laugh have become alien to me.  I wish I wasn't such a social fuck up.

I must keep socializing, I must keep pushing forward.

THAT Guy

Several days ago, I came across a thread on Reddit asking what was everyone's greatest fears.  Many of the people there responded with the fear of dying, dying in a horrible way or dying alone.  I have the same fear too.  The fear of dying alone is like a shadow that haunts me, forever in the back of my mind.

One post in that thread struck a chord with me.  One poster stated that he was slowly becoming THAT guy, the guy who has few friends, the guy who hasn't been in a relationship in a long time, the guy that simply wants to be alone.  I am that guy.  I don't want to be that guy, I need to keep changing myself to adapt so I won't end up alone.  I need to keep moving.

Note to self:  Keep improving yourself, don't be complacent.

Haunted By The Past

I'm haunted by my past.  Throughout the last three years when I was at UCSD, I screwed up so many times socially, I simply can't forget it.  It's eating away at me, knowing that I screwed up and could have done better at the time.  One event that I can't forget is one of my interactions with this girl named Racquel.

Racquel and I met during the 2011 summer quarter.  Both of us lived in same building and after bumping into each other several times, we started talking a bit.  She was extremely nice to me, but like most relations, I managed to screw it up causing it to crash and burn.  When I was at the village market, getting ready to go home for winter break, I bumped into Racquel.  She wished me a safe trip home.  I nodded and immediately went to get a soda.  When I looked back up at her, she looked upset and said goodbye and left.  I said goodbye to her too and though confused, thought nothing of it.

I saw her again the next quarter and waved to her, and tried to speak to her.  She waved back and only answered one question and immediately left.  I thought it was odd and went on my way.  I never saw her again after that.  I didn't realize I made her upset until one of my self-reflections about a month later.  Ever since then I've been wracked with guilt over making her upset.  My mind keeps replaying that event over and over again, and I keep saying "I'm sorry Racquel" hoping that it would ease my conscience somehow.  It won't, it never will.  I wish I could see her again and to apologize to her, explaining that I never meant to make her upset.  I wish I didn't screw up so bad.

Where ever you are Racquel, I'm sorry.

CPA, GRE, Professional life

Several days ago, I got an email stating that my application to take the CPA exam was approved.  This was after a few months of waiting only to find out I was denied because the registrar at UCSD didn't put my degree I earned on my transcript.  Great stuff there, lost $20 that way.  But still, it's a done deal and now I'll have to study for the CPA and complete all of it within a year.  No pressure eh?

I'm also planning to take the GRE next month and start to prepare to apply to grad school.  Also, a couple of weeks ago, my dad met one of the managers at an accounting firm when he was fixing up some stuff for her. Apparently they're looking for accountants and told me to apply next year.

I guess this is it, this marks the beginning of my professional life.  CPA, GRE, AIG, MBA, accounting firms, grad school, all of it is coming so fast.  Life has passed by too fast.