It's Over With Julie, Reflection, Reshifting Focus

 It's 2024, it's been 12 years since I graduated from UCSD.  Another year is about to end.  My previous post was nearly three years ago, posted on 12/25/21.  Several months later, in 2022, I did something really stupid, I decided to reach out to Julie on Facebook by sending one message.  I was infected with covid at the time.  What the fuck was I thinking?  Back in 2018, I looked at Julie's Facebook page for less than a minute, several months later someone began clicking on my blog over and over again.  It was most likely her.  At the time I decided not to reach out to her because she and her boyfriend, had been together for 4 to 5 years already.  At the time I thought they were close to getting engaged, married etc. so I decided not to interfere.

    So again I'm asking myself, what the fuck was I thinking?  What the hell was I trying to accomplish?  Attempting to re-initiate contact after four years?! Did covid fuck my brain up more than I thought?  If it was after four months back in 2018 then it would have made sense.  After sending the message, she left me on "delivered" for a month, so after one month I logged out and never logged back in.  I just assumed she was ignoring it.  Assumed.  Again assumed.  I keep making assumptions that screwed myself over.  Even worse, one month after logging off, my inner voice said, "um don't you wanna check if she responded?"  After that, I completely forgotten about it.  I forgotten about it until two weeks ago.  Two years after logging off!  Holy fuck what is wrong with me?  I checked her Facebook page, it's been deleted.  Maybe she responded back then, but now I'll never know.  Needless to say, any goodwill she had towards me is now completely gone.  It's over.  Everything involving Julie is now over.  It was over in 2018 when I made the deliberate and conscious choice not to reach out to her because I thought she and her boyfriend were close to being engaged.  It was completely nuked in 2022 when I stupidly fumbled reaching out to her. 

Fucking hell, my 2021 post was a jumbled mess and she probably read it.

Reflection:

• 2014-2015:  She began clicking on my blog over and over again.  I did a Google search on her and found out she and her boyfriend created the website stallionestates.com.  From that website, I found out they were selling millions of dollars of real estate.  They even sold an office building in downtown Pasadena:

            https://pasadenanow.com/main/pasadena-office-building-sold-for-30-million

         I decided not to reach out to her because I didn't want to get in the way of her success.

•  2018: After a three year hiatus, I looked at her Facebook page less than a minute.  After several months, purely by luck, coincidence or fate, for some reason, I decided to update my blog.  It was only after updating my blog that I looked at the web traffic and realized that someone was clicking on it using an iPhone two weeks before and after the update.  She was the only one to ever use an iPhone to look at my blog.  It was her.  Back then, she and her boyfriend had been together for 4 to 5 years.  She even uploaded a picture of them at a wedding onto Facebook.  In the picture, she wrote "Happily Ever After".  She was wearing a black and purple dress and her boyfriend wore a grey suit.  Based on those factors, I assumed they would be close to getting engaged/married so I decided not to interfere, decided not to reach out to her.
  

In both cases, she took a risk and stuck her neck out in trying to get me to contact her.  I chose not to because I thought she would be better off.  In 2014-2015, I didn't want to get in the way of her financial success.  In 2018, I chose not to contact her because I made the assumption she and her boyfriend would get engaged soon.

My choices will haunt me, but if it ensured her success then I'll live with it.

Update 12/31/24:  Some digging on Instagram showed a group photo of them from 2024.  There is no wedding band on her boyfriend's left hand.  Same thing in a photo from 2022.  Google searches show no engagement/wedding announcements.  Fucking hell, they're not married and most likely not even engaged.  So I screwed myself over in 2018 for no reason.  Brilliant move. 10 to 11 years together and still not married, weird.  Maybe my information is wrong, maybe they got married in 2023.  Whatever, doesn't matter any more.

Update 1/16/25:  The Instagram account I found the picture on suddenly went private less than a month after I found it and wrote the 12/31/24 update above.  It was public with pictures going back years and the guy seldom update it, it only had 30 posts.  What caused them to go private?  One hell of a timing.  2/3/25:  After some tests, probably coincidence the Instagram account went private, maybe a sign/symbol from the universe that the door is closed.

 

Re-shifting Focus:

    What's done is done, it's time to re-shift focus onto core objectives. 

1) Lose weight/get fit.  I acted like an idiot during the pandemic and ate fast food non-stop, gaining 50 pounds.  Finally lost it all a month ago.  Need to go down to UCSD/high school weight.  Should be doable in less than a year. 

2a) Pay off mortgage.  70% already paid off, still have $300K remaining.  Hopefully doable within two years.

2b) Buy another house.  Hopefully doable within two years.

2c) Achieve financial independence.  Networth back in 2022 was $5.5 million, after catastrophic collapse it went down to $500K, now in 2024 is back to $2 million.  If I'm really, really, really lucky my networth will reach eight figures by the end of 2025.

3) Work on verbal communication and social skills.  Will be an ongoing process.

4) Get a girlfriend, turn her into a wife.  Difficult, almost impossible uphill battle.

Objective 3 and 4 will be the most difficult.  When the pandemic began, everyone began working from home.  At the time I thought it was awesome, but then it became permanent and later on the company moved its headquarters.  The building I worked in is now completely abandoned.  That means no more meeting new people or meeting girls like Jacqueline.  I basically squandered my time at the company before the pandemic.  I should have socialized more.  When I was at UCSD, I once wrote that I'll commit suicide if I'm not married by 35.  I'm about to turn 37.  Maybe I should I have done it.  Set it for 40.

Note to self:  Work on communication skills, prioritize yourself when it comes to love, stop sacrificing yourself for others people's happiness.  Be happy and expressive when seeing someone.  Don't be so sensitive to criticism.  Be more tolerant of others.  There is no right person/wrong time, if you wanted it to work, you would have made it work.  Relationships are about building a life together, you can't expect to be perfect before you jump in.  If a girl invites you somewhere or to do something together, go with them.  Listen to your inner voice!  Seize the day, live in the present!  Stop self-sabotaging!  Time is of the essence!  Fuck being professional.  People aren't psychic, verbally communicate your thoughts and intentions out in the open.

 Addendum 2/23/25:  Met my cousin's new wife a week ago at a family function, turns out she is also an UCSD graduate that graduated in 2012.  Small world.  She's a San Diego native that ended up in NorCal.  We attempted to socialize a bit, but the conversation quickly fell off.  Talking to her showed how badly my social skills have regressed.  Got to work on it, got to remember how to keep a conversation going.

 

10 Years, Mid Thirties, Pushed Others Away, Mission Almost Accomplished

     It's December 2021, three years since I last posted.  Six months from now it would have been ten years since I graduated from UCSD.  Less than one month from now, I'll be 34 years old.  My god, time passed by so fast.  It feels like yesterday when I got on the plane to leave San Diego.  My professional life is at a complete standstill since I was made permanent.  My personal life haven't been so lucky as well.  Next month I'll be 34 years old.  Mid thirties and alone.  When I was in UCSD, I lamented how alone I was, but having ten years to look back and reflect, it isn't surprising that I am.  I take my relationships with others for granted, acting like I don't care.  When they come close, I push them away.  I still don't know why I do that.  I squandered opportunity after opportunity provided to me not just by others but by the universe itself. 

    The last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about the opportunities I squandered in the past.  One of the biggest opportunities I lost was with Julie Tu back in UCSD.  I let my own emotions get the better of me and pushed her away.  I had chance after chance to be with her and make amends, but I fucked it up.

1) I saw her get off the bus at The Village at UCSD.  She looked at me for several seconds, but I didn't go up to apologize to her.

2) Bumped into her at OVT.  Since I'm blind as a bat, I didn't realize it was her when crossing the OVT bridge.  When she yelled, "Hey wanna get some ice cream?"  I only turned half way back.

3) Two months before graduation, I bumped into her near the RIMAC.  I stood completely frozen and instead of talking to her directly, I ran to my dorm to send a link to my blog which ended poorly

4)  Strangely, in 2018, someone clicked on my blog several times.  At the time I thought it was some random person so I wrote my final post.  It was only months later that I checked the device used and it was an iPhone.  Julie was the only person who ever checked my blog using an iPhone.  I didn't reach out to her because I didn't want to piss her off again.  Maybe I should have tried contacting her back then.

Another big opportunity I squandered was with Katherine.  I met her 13 years ago when I was volunteering at a hospital.  Within three months she and I became close and she told me she loved me.  On her last day volunteering and my shift ended, she yelled, "I love you".  I stupidly smiled and waved goodbye.  Over the span of a few months afterwards however, I kept bumping into her at community college.  I had three chances and I screwed it up.

1) Bumped into her at CCSF the first time when I was about to leave, she said it's nice to see you again.  I stupidly said, "see ya".

2) Bumped into her on the bus ride to CCSF, decided to talk about random stuff instead of what she said at CPMC.

3) Bumped into her the third time, she walked me to my class, I stood frozen at the doorway couldn't tell her I loved her and watched her walk away.

4) Back in 2011/2012, I found Katherine's linkedin profile.  I could have try to connect with her, but I didn't, I instead merely clicked on her profile while logged into mine.  Strangely, her profile disappeared several weeks later.

Opportunities only come once, I had three chances and I blew all three.  Recalling and reanalyzing all the memories I have of Katherine made me realized I fucked up even more massively I didn't realize before.  

    * The time Katherine and I spent together at CPMC getting to know each other is pretty much considered dating, if I had told her I loved her it would have been the start of a relationship.  

    * The third time I bumped into Katherine, I didn't smile at her even though she was running up to me smiling and saying, "yes?" Why? Why didn't I smile at her?  It's like I acted like I was distancing myself from her.

    * I kept thinking about the future even though I wouldn't transfer to a college until fall 2009 a year later.  I had an entire year to have strengthen my bond with Katherine if I had told her I loved her.  She could have been my first time for everything.

    * After bumping into her a third time, I hoped to bump into her another time so I rode the bus day after day at the same time I bumped into her in the past.  I never saw her again so I stood at the ramp leading up to CCSF everyday, but I still didn't see her either.

My god, thinking back to the time when I waited at the ramp entrance, I was standing across the street from it.  I should have stood directly at the ramp.  I assumed that she would come from across the street, but the last time I bumped into her she was walking on the side of the street that had the ramp entrance. Fuck, it's only now 13 years later I realized that screw up.

Even worse, the last time I saw Katherine was a bus from CCSF to back home. I always assumed I would bump into her again on the bus to CCSF.  When I was on the bus to CCSF, I would look at the faces of all the passengers to see it she were onboard, but I never did that when going home.  When I was at UCSD, I noticed that I would zone out and I would literally look right at people and walk right past them even though I knew them.  My god, what if I did that to Katherine?  What if I looked right at her and walked right past her?  Fuck me, can't believe I'm realizing this 13 years later.

Thinking about Katherine and how I fucked up has left me an emotional wreck for the last several weeks.  Leave it to me to somehow get an amazing woman to fall for me only for me to fuck it all up in the end.

Everything worked out in the end for her though.  She got married in 2017 and got her masters in nursing in 2018.  I hope she is doing fine in the middle of this pandemic.

Note to self:  When it comes to women, love and romance, be direct and straightforward, don't tip toe around.  If a woman says it's nice to see you again say it's nice to see you too.  If a woman shows affection to you, reciprocate the affection.  If a woman tells you she loves you, tell her you love her right back.  Do not shy away from her or your emotions.  Don't make things so final, leave yourself open with options.  Pick one or the other, don't half ass emotions.  Trust your inner voice.  Take advantage of opportunities immediately.  You're the point man.  Get married.

Six Years, Jacqueline

It's been six years since I graduated from UCSD, and it's been 3 years since I last posted.  I doubt I'll write again after this.

I'm still at the tech company I interned at back in 2015.  For some weird reason, I was made a permanent employee.  It's ironic, I didn't want the job and wanted to go back to school, but I got it while every intern and contractor desperately wants to become permanent, but are forced to leave.  It's like some sick twisted joke by the universe. 

In the past three years at the company, I've met and worked with a lot of the interns and contractors.  All of them have left and I quite frankly I can't remember most of them, but there was one girl I couldn't forget.  Her name was Jacqueline Wu.  She was extremely beautiful, as in super model level beautiful.  Back in early 2015, I started noticing that she would turn to look at me every time I walked past her.  She would even stare at me even when she's talking to someone.  In late 2015, during the office Halloween party, she was flirty, trying to get my attention.  However, being the idiot that I am, I pretended not to notice as she tried to get my attention when we walked past each other in the hallway because I thought she was still dating her coworker.  Huge mistake.  It turns out she broke up with him after only dating him several months.  I only realized she broke up with him during her last day at the company during her goodbye party.  I connected with her on Linkedin afterwards, and tried connecting with her on Facebook, but she never added me.  It was too late to fix it.  I screwed myself over once again.  It's been two years since she left the company.

My screw up with Jacqueline made think of all the little lessons I had to learn over the years.  Looking back at all the note self's in throughout my blog, it seems I had forgotten everything I learned during my time at UCSD and afterwards.  I need to remind myself again of what to do and what not to do.  Hopefully I can change.  Hopefully it'll stick.

Jacqueline, wherever you are, I'm sorry.  I should have said hello to you back then.  I wish I could go back in time and change things.

Note to self:  Never assume.  Don't believe you're not good enough.  You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have a girlfriend, you want to have a girlfriend.  Don't let bad experience with one person affect interaction with another.  No scorch earth, no collateral damage.  Smile more.

Data Analysis Part III, Julie?, Letting Go

The last three weeks have irked me like crazy.  Three different hits that all have the signature of Julie.  To recap:

Two weeks ago on Friday, there were two iPhone views between 5 and 6 pm on my old blog with no associated post or keywords, indicating that the person found my blog directly through google.  It could have been a person who stumbled upon my blog by chance, but it could also be someone who knows my blog.

Last Friday, there were two chrome and one internet explorer views from two Windows and one Macintosh on my old blog.  No associated post or keywords.  If it was Macintosh with chrome then it would have been a spam bot, but the spam bot always associated with one post.  If it was Macintosh with internet explorer then it could possibly be Julie.  A long time ago when she invited me over for food, I noticed that she used a white polycarbonate Macbook.  White polycarbonate Macbooks are discontinued and permanently stuck on OSX 10.6.8.  Internet explorer (surprisingly) was available for Macs up to OSX 10.6.8 so she could be using that.  Of the three views, one was between 7 to 8 pm and the other two were between 3 to 4 am.  Which views belong to which time I'm unsure.

This Monday was the weirdest hit.  Between 9 to 10 pm Pacific time, there was one pageview coming from a Macintosh with Safari for this blog.  What's weird is that it didn't come through google at all.  It was a direct access to this blog, the person typed in this blog's address directly.  Again no associated post or keywords.  Possible non-Julie explanation is that several weeks ago there were 17 iPad hits all on a post about people I bumped into in the past.  In that post I mentioned several people by name so it could possibly be one of them.

All three events came from the United States.  After the whole NSA/Edward Snowden fiasco, every  company decided to encrypt their search data, which limits what blogger can see.  Absolutely frustrating, if blogger can get the names of the computers or other information, analysis would be so much easier.

Sigh, this is pathetic, I'm sitting in bed analyzing web traffic on a Friday night, on the eve of Valentine's Day no less, chasing a digital ghost hoping that it's the woman who rejected me two and a half years ago is the one who's been visiting.  Life can't get lower than that.  Part of me wants to go on Facebook and send her a message asking "Is this you?", but things ended really badly between me and her when we were at UCSD.  So badly that she told me to never message her again.  So badly that she deleted her Facebook account.  Even if I chose to message her, I can't.  I went on Facebook one and a half weeks ago to try to search her up.  After typing in her name in the search bar, all I got were a bunch of random people.  I guess it's the little spark of optimism inside me that is making me see patterns.  If she truly wanted to reconnect with me, she would have done so through Linkedin or left a message on this blog or something.  Unless there's more data from somewhere, I'm writing these hits off as some random occurrence, as some sadistic joke by the universe.

It's been two and a half years since she and I graduated from UCSD.  It's been one and a half years since she visited this blog.  It's been one and a half month since I looked at her profile on Linkedin and one month since I told myself to move on.  It's time to truly move on.

A long time ago, she told me her birthday was February 6th, if I recall correctly.  I just realized that I never told her happy birthday when we were still at UCSD.  Julie, wherever you are, happy 26th birthday.

Data Analysis Part II

As annoyed as I am, the two iPhone views mentioned in the previous post will never get resolved.  Even worst, last Friday there were three views on my old blog consisting two chrome one internet explorer coming from two Windows and one Macintosh, all from the United States.  Again, none of them are associated with any post or keywords.  No doubt one Windows/Chrome is from me and there is currently a spam bot monitoring my posts using a Mac/Chrome, but the spam bot is always associated with a post.  So that leaves one chrome, one internet explorer along with a Windows and Macintosh.  Either combination could be from a total stranger or from someone I have met before or from a person knows my blog directly.  Really annoying.  Amazingly, when writing this post, I just found out that someone accessed this blog directly using Macintosh with Safari on Monday night, not even through google either.  That's direct access to this blog.  Again, no associated post or keywords, and all three occurrences are in the United States.  What. The. Hell.  God, a part of me is just screaming out it's Julie, but how can it be?  It's been two and a half years since graduating.  She's having the time of her life with the guy she chose over me.  Must be the universe's version of a joke.

Data Analysis, Julie?

Data analysis has always been a hobby of mine, and using Blogger's built in view tracking system allows me to see who reads my blog from what country, what operating system they use etc.  For the most part I can pinpoint which viewer belongs to which country etc.  However, I encountered an anomaly on Friday.  As I stated in the previous post, there were two iPhone views on Friday with no associated posts nor any keywords:

Those four chrome/Windows views are mine and they don't have posts and keywords associated with them because I input the name of my blog directly into google and click on the blog itself.  This would also mean that the person who uses the iPhone knows my blog and inputted directly into google.  Throughout the last five years, there have been iPhone views, but they were always associated with keywords and posts.  The only two people who uses iPhone and knows about my blog were Dean Bailey, dean of UCSD's transfer housing, and Julie.  Even then Dean Bailey always reached my blog using the keyword "ucsd intj".  This would leave only Julie.

Is it her?  Is that possible?  Or am I so pathetically stuck in the past that I keep thinking it's her?  Or maybe it's someone I don't know about.  This is going to annoy me for a while.

Do Or Do Not, Divorce, Julie vs. INTJ

It's been a week a half since I wrote about moving on from Julie.  Looking back at what happened back then with Julie and what happened when I was with Katherine made me recognize the duality of both situations.  When I was with Katherine, during my last day volunteering at the hospital, she yelled that she was in love with me.  Being the idiot that I am, I simply smiled and waved goodbye.  I never tried tell her I felt the same way.  With Julie, I tried so much, so much more than I had before, only to have it backfire horribly.  I guess in the end I have to let it happen naturally.  It should not be nothing nor should it be everything, it has to be gradual.  I need to keep this in mind.

Speaking of affection and relationships, I found out my cousin is getting a divorce.  His divorce is a complete shock to me.  He and his wife was like the perfect couple in my eyes.  Both were attractive, both made more than $100,000 a year and both have been together since high school.  From the information my parents told me, it seems like they are arguing over some petty crap.  It seems like his wife has become more and more demanding without putting in the effort to change herself even though my cousin wanted to change and talk about it.  It feels like his wife is holding one hell of a grudge, and my cousin stated that if they do go forward with divorce proceedings, there's no going back even if she wants to.  Both of them are starting to build on each other's hatred and it's starting to spiral downwards.  Sounds familiar, sounds like what happened between me and Julie.  Either my cousin or his soon-to-be-ex-wife will regret this later on, I guarantee it.  We'll see how this goes.

Nothing special is happening at work.  Just meeting more employees.  Shook their hands with a firm handshake, smiled, and made appropriate eye contact.  Five years of social and psychological self training is paying off.

On another note, I have been checking on my old blog.  Surprisingly, it still gets a dozen or so hits per week even though it ended nearly three years ago.  There were two iPhone views on Friday with no associated post or keywords, meaning whoever that is knows of my blog directly.  Weird, wonder who that is.  I looked back at one of the pics I posted in my second to last post:

This is where Julie and I lived during our first year at UCSD.  I lived on one end of the hallway in room 501, she lived in the opposite end in room 510.  It's kind of symbolic.  We lived in the opposite ends of the same hall, she was an ENFP and I'm an INTJ, the exact opposites of one another.  Like light and dark, like yin and yang, drawn to each other only to repel away.

I wish I was more forthcoming with my emotions back then, maybe things would have ended differently.  Hell, I would drive down to Los Angeles to be with her if she asked me to.