My Best Years Are Behind Me, Alone

I've come to the realization that I'm all alone in this world.  Throughout the last ten years, suicide has been on the back of my mind, slowly growing, enveloping every thought that I had.  I've become more and more detached from the world and the people around me, even with family.  Now, I'm at a point where I'm pretty much all alone.  Though I hated being surrounded by morons when I was at UCSD, I enjoyed my time there.  I realize now that my time at UCSD was the best years of my life.  And now it's all gone.  I think it's time to die.

Letters of Recommendation

I've contacted three of my professors for letters of recommendation for masters in computer science and two  said yes!  Awesome, just enough to apply to grad school.  Guess I'll have to start writing my personal statement soon.  Hope I'll get accepted.

Another Old Face, Disappointment

Class at CCSF started again today and I saw another old face.  The guy's name is Isaac.  He and I don't know each other personally, but we were  in the same speech class four years ago.  Really odd seeing so many old faces in the last several months.

I took the GRE about four days and received scores of 158 out of 170 for both verbal and quantitative sections.  Not the best and I'm pretty disappointed in my own performance, but still what's done is done.

I also asked one of my computer science professor's at UCSD for a letter of recommendation and said she can't since she only writes recommendations for her tutors.  Disappointing, hopefully my professors at CCSF will accept.

My life is disappointing, I wish it would end.

GRE, Interview

I went with my dad to some interview thing today to help translate the interviewer for him.  I wasn't nervous and the interviewer didn't seem spooked by me so that's good.  Hopefully, I won't be nervous when it comes to an actual job interview.

On another note, I'm going to take the GRE in two days.  I'm not sure if I can do well on it.  Depression has taken hold on me for the last month or so.  I'm disappointed in myself.

Another Year, Another Beginning

It's new years eve.  Neither me nor my folks are planning anything special tonight.  To us, it's just another night.

There's not much to write about in the last week or so, hell, there's not much to write about throughout this blog, don't even know why I started it.  The last few days, I've been helping a friend I met at UCSD prepare for grad school applications and helping him correct his personal statement.  It felt good to hear from him again.  Like him, I'm going to be applying to grad school soon so I should prepare.  Anyways, it's a new year, a new beginning, hopefully I get into the schools I want to.

Note to self:  Lose weight, do better.

Working With Another Introvert

The fall semester at CCSF is now over  I passed my classes with all A's, I believe.  There isn't much that I can write about since I didn't have much social interaction this semester.  It'll probably be the same next semester since I'm doing mostly online classes.  There was something notable in past few months however.

At the end of the semester of my Java class, we had to group up in order to do a project and I was assigned to a group with another guy and one girl.  The guy was apathetic and didn't really say much so me and the girl did most of the talking.  When the professor came by, the girl asked the professor if she could work alone since she was an introvert and felt more comfortable working alone.  I wasn't offended, guessing that's my psychological reprogramming working, because I realized she was telling the truth.  The whole time I was  talking to her, her body language, eye movement etc.  were signs of anxiety.  Talking to her was like looking at a mirror image of myself.  It was both stunning and confounding at the same time.  Despite her hesitation, we managed to get our work done.  I managed to get a 100 on the individual portion of our project.

Note to self:  Keep practicing social skills.

Depression

I'm suffering from depression.  Ever since graduating from UCSD, I've been slowly slipping further and further into depression.  It took hold bit by bit until it held on and didn't let go.  I've gained back all the weight I lost during my three years at UCSD and I'm simply unmotivated to lose it.

Despite my depression, I'm still doing well in my classes and every now and then, there's something that brings a little joy into my life.  About a week ago, UC Riverside created an account graduate school account for me to help fast track my application in applying.  I hope I get accepted.