Indecisiveness, Foregone Opportunities

About a year and a half ago, after a bit of self analysis, I realized that I am extremely indecisive when it comes to major decisions.  I kept trying to change myself and yet here I am again, indecisive about whether to choose accounting or computer science.  I keep going over variable after variable, running scenario after scenario throughout my head, but never coming to a conclusion.  I decided to accept the offer of admission for the M.S. accounting program only after flipping a coin.  Absolutely ridiculous.  I'm not even sure if it's the right choice.  I keep checking Linkedin, internships online, and school career websites and found very few accounting, finance, economics internships.  Computer science, on the other hand, have many internships.  Am I making the right choice?

My indecisiveness has also cost me financially.  Throughout the years, I found myself to be pretty decent at predicting stocks.  Several years ago, when everyone freaked out about the rare earth metals, I predicted that some mining companies' stocks will increase.  I was right.  Molycorp's stock bubbled up like crazy and went $10 to $77 per share.  Sadly, I only made several hundred bucks from it.  Last year, I predicted that Tesla will increase and I was right.  Last year Tesla was only $25 per share and now it's $110 and climbing. Sigh.  So much I could have done, but I am still paralyzed by analysis.  Need to break this.

Note to self:  Don't be indecisive.  Don't be afraid.

More Old Faces, Approval, Decision

I went on linkedin again and accidentally bumped into others who I knew in the past.  Many of them are still in school at SFSU and have not yet graduated.  Both surprising and not surprising at the same time.  Surprising because I didn't know they can stay in SFSU that long, and not surprising due to the bad economy.  Even though the unemployment rate here in San Francisco is 6.9%, it is still bad for new graduates.

Several weeks ago, I petitioned SFSU to have my graduate program changed to the accountancy program.  Two days ago, they finally approved my decision and has allowed me to join their accountancy program.  Even though I was accepted, I am still unsure whether to choose to accept or not.  Even though the accounting program will take two years, it was projected that San Francisco will experience more growth in the software development sector.  However, going to SJSU will take about 4 to 5 years to complete, if I can complete it.  I also asked my brother to log in SFSU's career network and the amount of accounting/financial  internships is absolutely dismal.  Jesus Christ, I'm screwed.  Still don't know what to choose.

Note to self:  When answering people's questions, make sure they hear it.

Humor Me

Over the years, I spent so much time alone, I don't even know how to respond to someone who's being playful.  After two years at UCSD, I finally relearned how and when to laugh or smile when someone makes a joke.  However, ever since graduating, like so many other things I've programmed into myself, I've been slowly losing what I learned about laughter and smiling.  I'm basically having to relearn it again.

As I stated in a previous post a while back, I blankly stared at my dad when he was laughing.  Just yesterday, my dad was laughing at something, I looked up and laughed a bit too.  But for the split second I looked up, he immediately stopped laughing.  Sigh, I really hate myself.  I need to make things right.

Note to self:  Improve relations with dad.  Make things right.  When laughing, make louder laughter

Welcome To San Diego State University

I found out last night that I got accepted into San Diego State University's M.S. in accounting program.  Jesus Christ, I never thought it was going to be this easy for me to be accepted into so many graduate programs.  I thought I was a screw up the entire time.  Places such as SFSU, SJSU and SDSU all have admissions rate in the 20 to 30% for their computer science and accounting graduate programs, and yet I got in.  Interesting.

It's good that I got into those various programs because the economy right now is getting worse.  Here in the U.S., the New York Times reported an unemployment rate of 26% for people between 25-34, same as those in Greece and Spain.  Various investment firms and hedge funds are writing papers to clients, telling them of a zero growth future.  Even jobs requiring high levels of education are hard to find.  Before going to UCSD, I wanted to major in civil engineering, but I found that they have an unemployment rate of 12%.  When I was at UCSD, I was doing prepharm, but more and more pharmacy graduates are having a hard time finding work.  Even among doctors, only 73%  can get residencies, resulting in unemployed graduates.  Absolutely frightening.  I'm still undecided what to do because of these news.

Katherine

Five years ago, I met an absolutely amazing girl named Katherine Leung while volunteering at the California Pacific Medical Center during the summer.  Over the span of three months, she and I got close, really close.  On my last day volunteering there, as my shift ended, when I was walking away, she yelled, "I love you!".  I smiled and waved back, she looked upset.  What she didn't know was that I felt the same way too, but I was too much of a coward to express it.  Over the course of several months, she and I bumped into each other again and again on campus at CCSF.  Every time we did, my mind was screaming out for me to tell her that I love her, that I wanted to be with her.  I never did.  The last time we ever saw each other, we walked to class together.  Again, a part of me was telling me to tell her how I felt, but I couldn't.  My mind was so clouded with thoughts and variables and probabilities, and knowing that I'll be moving away to college, I didn't know what to do.  So I did nothing.  As I stood at the doorway of my classroom, I looked on in despair as both us waved and said goodbye.  I fucked up, I knew I did.  I kept hoping to see her again, to tell her I'll go to San Francisco State to be with her.  I skipped class to wait at the bus stop where we both got off.  There was nothing.  I tried email again and again.  There was nothing.  I remembered that she said she would volunteer again so I went back.  I waited and waited for six months.  There was nothing.  Then I finally moved to UCSD.  I broke down.

Throughout my previous blog, INTJ@UCSD, I constantly mentioned her, wondering how she and I got so close despite my social anxiety.  Year after year, I thought about her and eventually got over her during my final year at UCSD.  Even though I gotten over her, all those memories of the time I spent with her, all the things she told me about herself remained.

I don't know why, but several hours ago, I searched her name on Linkedin.  I searched her name before but there was nothing in the past.  It was different this time.  The 4th result that popped up was her.  I clicked on her profile and felt as the blood drained from my face.  She never went to University of San Francisco like she said, she went to SFSU and is still going there.  I could have been with her had I made a choice back then.  I always felt like my time at UCSD was a mistake, and now I know it was.  Even though I'm a stoic and robotic INTJ, an analytical Type 5, and absolutely emotionally retarded, I started tearing up.  Seeing her profile pic, of her smiling, brought back so many memories, both good and painful.  I won't be contacting her, it's been five years, I doubt she even remembers me.  Me, on the other hand, due to my freakishly good memory, will always remember her, whether I want to or not.

Good bye Katherine.