I don't know where I'm going with my life.
I'm doing well in my classes right now, preparing to apply to grad school in around January, but I have to honestly ask myself what's next after grad school. I still don't know what should happen next. The psychological reprogramming I did when I was in UCSD, which was documented in my previous blog, is holding out well, but every now and then I would glitch up a bit. Despite my reprogramming, I still haven't gotten close to anyone, much less any girl I want to spend time with. The constant thought of being alone for the rest of my life dwelling in the back of my mind is slowly eating away at me.
The fear of being alone for the rest of my life has made me contemplate another question, should I just simply "settle"? Meaning, should I settle with someone even though I'm not 100% happy being with them? I started asking myself this when I bumped into Phoebe at a Costco in South San Francisco. Phoebe was this girl who I met back at UCSD, and she was using me over and over again to help herself. Even though I was getting pissed for being used, a part of me was happy to be with someone. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and told her to screw off. When I saw her, I didn't say anything and kept on going.
Should I simply settle? The divorce rate in the U.S. is about 54% for a reason and the fear of being alone is one of them. I don't want to wake up one day to realize I wasted a good part of my life, spending time with the wrong person, only to watch it slowly deteriorate and end up divorcing. Or maybe I can eventually delude myself into believing that's the person I want to be with and eventually reprogram myself to enjoy their company. I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
MBA
Several months ago, I found out I got accepted into University of the Pacific's MBA program. I don't know how I got in, but I was somewhat happy. I don't know whether to accept or not since I don't really see the value of a MBA aside from going into management, not exactly something I want to do. I still hope to get a master's in either accounting or computer science, I hope I'll get accepted.
On another note, for some reason AIG pinged my Bloomberg assessment test account and posted up some jobs. Odd.
On another note, for some reason AIG pinged my Bloomberg assessment test account and posted up some jobs. Odd.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Old Faces In Familiar Places
Having been at CCSF for the last 4 months has been mind numbing. There hasn't been much social interactions for me aside from talking with cashiers and such. My body language and behavior is socially acceptable though I did trip up from time to time. Otherwise, the days just keep zooming by like one big blur.
There is one thing I found odd though. In the last few months, I keep on seeing people I've met in past at CCSF. One guy is named Steven, and I remember him from back in high school. We don't know each other personally, but he was considered a class clown back in one of my high school classes. I walked past him one day and didn't see him again. There was another person I recognized at CCSF and I bumped into her several times on campus. I don't know her name but she was in my Chinese class back in high school.
There are two other more significant people who I've bumped into.
One is Largo Luong. He and I were friends a long, long time ago back when I was still a freshmen in highschool. He and I met in summer school. He was hilarious back then but now he's completely different. He's super thin now and has a major receding hairline. Also, strangely, it seems like he has some sort of speech impediment. Really weird seeing him like this. He doesn't recognize me and I didn't recognize him at first until the professor called his name, and then everything clicked into place. Wonder what happened to him throughout the last six years.
Another person of significance is Christina M. Han. The craziest thing about her is that she and I have been side by side this whole time but never knew it. She and I went to the same middle school together and I remember being assigned the seat next to her in gym class, and she and I had the same English class together. At the time she also had a crush on my friend Kevin Kwong. In high school, we didn't have the same classes but we both had the same friend, Brian Hooang. She would constantly ask him for bubble gum. After graduating from high school, we both went to CCSF. I remember taking bus everyday and always seeing her standing just a couple of feet away. After a couple months, she disappeared, and while I took note, I thought nothing of it.
Then she pops back up again at UCSD. When I was still dealing with my social anxiety in my previous blog, I finally made a facebook account and started searching for people I knew in the past. For some reason her name popped up and I decided to check out her profile. It turns out she was at UCSD the entire time, majoring in creative writing and working at the Sunshine Market. Again, I brushed it off and thought it was cool. I then saw her a month ago out on the street when I was going to CCSF. A few weeks later I saw her again, this time at CCSF, with her walking to class. Both of us back here again. What a coincidence. Huh.
There is one thing I found odd though. In the last few months, I keep on seeing people I've met in past at CCSF. One guy is named Steven, and I remember him from back in high school. We don't know each other personally, but he was considered a class clown back in one of my high school classes. I walked past him one day and didn't see him again. There was another person I recognized at CCSF and I bumped into her several times on campus. I don't know her name but she was in my Chinese class back in high school.
There are two other more significant people who I've bumped into.
One is Largo Luong. He and I were friends a long, long time ago back when I was still a freshmen in highschool. He and I met in summer school. He was hilarious back then but now he's completely different. He's super thin now and has a major receding hairline. Also, strangely, it seems like he has some sort of speech impediment. Really weird seeing him like this. He doesn't recognize me and I didn't recognize him at first until the professor called his name, and then everything clicked into place. Wonder what happened to him throughout the last six years.
Another person of significance is Christina M. Han. The craziest thing about her is that she and I have been side by side this whole time but never knew it. She and I went to the same middle school together and I remember being assigned the seat next to her in gym class, and she and I had the same English class together. At the time she also had a crush on my friend Kevin Kwong. In high school, we didn't have the same classes but we both had the same friend, Brian Hooang. She would constantly ask him for bubble gum. After graduating from high school, we both went to CCSF. I remember taking bus everyday and always seeing her standing just a couple of feet away. After a couple months, she disappeared, and while I took note, I thought nothing of it.
Then she pops back up again at UCSD. When I was still dealing with my social anxiety in my previous blog, I finally made a facebook account and started searching for people I knew in the past. For some reason her name popped up and I decided to check out her profile. It turns out she was at UCSD the entire time, majoring in creative writing and working at the Sunshine Market. Again, I brushed it off and thought it was cool. I then saw her a month ago out on the street when I was going to CCSF. A few weeks later I saw her again, this time at CCSF, with her walking to class. Both of us back here again. What a coincidence. Huh.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
UPS girl
It's been well into a month of the fall semester here at CCSF. I'm currently taking five courses, most of them in computer science, hoping to get letters of recommendation for computer science graduate school. I'm slowly being overwhelmed but I think I'll manage it.
Not much has happened in the three months since I graduated. I helped my dad paint a client's house over the summer and visited a shopping center that was nearby. My parents and I have been visiting more and more places, which is nice, since I get to practice my social skills with new people that way.
About two months ago, I needed to send a package at an UPS store at the shopping center. I went in and immediately asked the girl at the counter whether I can use the packaging tape or not, without saying hello. Stupid of me. The girl wasn't offended and was very helpful. It was nice of her. I wish I was more polite about it though.
Not much has happened in the three months since I graduated. I helped my dad paint a client's house over the summer and visited a shopping center that was nearby. My parents and I have been visiting more and more places, which is nice, since I get to practice my social skills with new people that way.
About two months ago, I needed to send a package at an UPS store at the shopping center. I went in and immediately asked the girl at the counter whether I can use the packaging tape or not, without saying hello. Stupid of me. The girl wasn't offended and was very helpful. It was nice of her. I wish I was more polite about it though.
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