It's December 2021, three years since I last posted. Six months from now it would have been ten years since I graduated from UCSD. Less than one month from now, I'll be 34 years old. My god, time passed by so fast. It feels like yesterday when I got on the plane to leave San Diego. My professional life is at a complete standstill since I was made permanent. My personal life haven't been so lucky as well. Next month I'll be 34 years old. Mid thirties and alone. When I was in UCSD, I lamented how alone I was, but having ten years to look back and reflect, it isn't surprising that I am. I take my relationships with others for granted, acting like I don't care. When they come close, I push them away. I still don't know why I do that. I squandered opportunity after opportunity provided to me not just by others but by the universe itself.
The last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about the opportunities I squandered in the past. One of the biggest opportunities I lost was with Julie Tu back in UCSD. I let my own emotions get the better of me and pushed her away. I had chance after chance to be with her and make amends, but I fucked it up.
1) I saw her get off the bus at The Village at UCSD. She looked at me for several seconds, but I didn't go up to apologize to her.
2) Bumped into her at OVT. Since I'm blind as a bat, I didn't realize it was her when crossing the OVT bridge. When she yelled, "Hey wanna get some ice cream?" I only turned half way back.
3) Two months before graduation, I bumped into her near the RIMAC. I stood completely frozen and instead of talking to her directly, I ran to my dorm to send a link to my blog which ended poorly
4) Strangely, in 2018, someone clicked on my blog several times. At the time I thought it was some random person so I wrote my final post. It was only months later that I checked the device used and it was an iPhone. Julie was the only person who ever checked my blog using an iPhone. I didn't reach out to her because I didn't want to piss her off again. Maybe I should have tried contacting her back then.
Another big opportunity I squandered was with Katherine. I met her 13 years ago when I was volunteering at a hospital. Within three months she and I became close and she told me she loved me. On her last day volunteering and my shift ended, she yelled, "I love you". I stupidly smiled and waved goodbye. Over the span of a few months afterwards however, I kept bumping into her at community college. I had three chances and I screwed it up.
1) Bumped into her at CCSF the first time when I was about to leave, she said it's nice to see you again. I stupidly said, "see ya".
2) Bumped into her on the bus ride to CCSF, decided to talk about random stuff instead of what she said at CPMC.
3) Bumped into her the third time, she walked me to my class, I stood frozen at the doorway couldn't tell her I loved her and watched her walk away.
4) Back in 2011/2012, I found Katherine's linkedin profile. I could have try to connect with her, but I didn't, I instead merely clicked on her profile while logged into mine. Strangely, her profile disappeared several weeks later.
Opportunities only come once, I had three chances and I blew all three. Recalling and reanalyzing all the memories I have of Katherine made me realized I fucked up even more massively I didn't realize before.
* The time Katherine and I spent together at CPMC getting to know each other is pretty much considered dating, if I had told her I loved her it would have been the start of a relationship.
* The third time I bumped into Katherine, I didn't smile at her even though she was running up to me smiling and saying, "yes?" Why? Why didn't I smile at her? It's like I acted like I was distancing myself from her.
* I kept thinking about the future even though I wouldn't transfer to a college until fall 2009 a year later. I had an entire year to have strengthen my bond with Katherine if I had told her I loved her. She could have been my first time for everything.
* After bumping into her a third time, I hoped to bump into her another time so I rode the bus day after day at the same time I bumped into her in the past. I never saw her again so I stood at the ramp leading up to CCSF everyday, but I still didn't see her either.
My god, thinking back to the time when I waited at the ramp entrance, I was standing across the street from it. I should have stood directly at the ramp. I assumed that she would come from across the street, but the last time I bumped into her she was walking on the side of the street that had the ramp entrance. Fuck, it's only now 13 years later I realized that screw up.
Even worse, the last time I saw Katherine was a bus from CCSF to back home. I always assumed I would bump into her again on the bus to CCSF. When I was on the bus to CCSF, I would look at the faces of all the passengers to see it she were onboard, but I never did that when going home. When I was at UCSD, I noticed that I would zone out and I would literally look right at people and walk right past them even though I knew them. My god, what if I did that to Katherine? What if I looked right at her and walked right past her? Fuck me, can't believe I'm realizing this 13 years later.
Thinking about Katherine and how I fucked up has left me an emotional wreck for the last several weeks. Leave it to me to somehow get an amazing woman to fall for me only for me to fuck it all up in the end.
Everything worked out in the end for her though. She got married in 2017 and got her masters in nursing in 2018. I hope she is doing fine in the middle of this pandemic.
Note to self: When it comes to women, love and romance, be direct and straightforward, don't tip toe around. If a woman says it's nice to see you again say it's nice to see you too. If a woman shows affection to you, reciprocate the affection. If a woman tells you she loves you, tell her you love her right back. Do not shy away from her or your emotions. Don't make things so final, leave yourself open with options. Pick one or the other, don't half ass emotions. Trust your inner voice. Take advantage of opportunities immediately. You're the point man. Get married.
